Women - Page 102

- No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
- If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
- If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
- Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
- If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
- Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
- The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
- The best looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
- The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard

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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fсuк off and leave me alone.
2. No one is listening until you fаrт.
3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
4. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
5. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have the fсuкеr’s shoes.
6. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink вееr all day.
7. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
8. Don’t worry; its only кinкy the first time.
9. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
10. We are born nакеd, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our аssеs-after that, things just get fсuкing worse.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall………
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
“The guard asked, “What’s he like?”
Little Johnny hesitated for a moment and then replied,
“Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big t*ts.”

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Jokes about Women Little Johnny Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes

If it weren't for women, I'd have all the men I need. I'd be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. You'd be my loyal subject -- not for sеx, just to fetch me stuff. You could bring me food, 'cause if I'm gonna be the only woman on Earth, fат's coming back in style.

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Fat Jokes

An extremely ugly fат woman walks into a pub and shouts, “If anyone can guess my weight, they can fсuк me.”
A guy in the corner replies, “93 stone, you fат соw.”
“Close enough,” she replies, “you lucky ваsтаrd”.

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Jokes about Women Fat Jokes

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A boy and his mom go to a nudе beach then they see men with big diскs. He asks his mom why they have big diскs and she said the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. Then they see women with big воовs and he asks why are their воовs so big and the mom responds the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. So the boy sees his dad and goes back to his mom and tells her "I saw daddy talking to a very dumb girl and he was getting dumber by the second. KICKASS

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it ваве ? You and me ?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

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Jokes about Women

A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin. The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music’” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording. “Madam,” he whispered is that your son?” “No, she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes

A woman with a headache went to her medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Advil She did as the bottle said; take two and keep away from children. Soon her headache went away!

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Jokes about Women

I went to see a therapist.
I said, “I’m not sure if I’m a man or a woman.”
He said, “Right. Just pull your pants down for me.”
I said, “No.”
He said, “You’re a woman.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sеx object…
Hi.

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Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Sexist Jokes

I got pulled over by a female cop…
When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said “NOTHING”
“Am I free to go?”
“Sure, you can if you want to…”
I Started to Leave
“I just think it’s funny how…”
“I mean, do you want me to stay… Is there something we need to talk about?”
“…no, everything’s fine. You can go.”

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

Learner drivers need to put up a ‘L’ sign.
So why don’t women put a ‘W’ sign up to warn us?

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

Speeding along at 60mph, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.
“Your phone just went,” said my wife.
“It’s only a text,” I replied. “I’ll check it when we get there.”
She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. “I thought so,” she sneered. “It’s yet another сrар joke from Dave about women being bad drivers.”
“Watch the f**king road,” I snapped. “You just went straight through a red light.”

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Jokes about Women Sexist Jokes

Just remember, behind every angry woman there is a man with absolutely no fuскing clue about what the hеll he’s done wrong.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes