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Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirтy deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"Artie chokes two for a dollar at safeway"
An elderly couple arrives at the doctor’s office for their yearly physicals.
One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband.
“Well, Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape for a man your age,” says the doctor.
To which the man replies, “Well, Doc, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink and the good Lord looks out for me.”
“What do you mean?” asks the doctor.
The old man replies, “Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned on the light for me so I wouldn’t fall down.”
“That’s nice,” says the doctor, somewhat confused. “Would you please send your wife in now?”
The wife comes in and the doctor says, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in great shape for a woman your age.”
To which she responds, “Well I ought to be. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. . . .”
The doctor interjects, “And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the bewildered woman.
“Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord turned on the light for him.”
“Dамn it!” she yells. “I knew he was рissing in the fridge again.”
Little kids are smarter than grownups. Let me tell you something -- I have a niece; when this child was five, I'm thinkin' she's just a baby. Oh, no -- she walked up to me, she said, 'Aunty, do you know what lеsвiаns are?' I said, 'Do you?' She said, 'Uh huh, lеsвiаns are two women who love each other. We love each other, don't we, Aunty?' 'Oh God, yeah, we do, baby. Go on, put on the kd lang. Let's dance.'
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following sequence of events takes place:
1. The woman goes to the market to buy the food.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a вееr.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked,
"Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said,
"Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said,
"Yes sir, I used it to кill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it's right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says,
"Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says,
"Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
A drunк woman, stark nакеd, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Punjabi man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
She said to him, “What’s wrong with you honey? Haven’t you ever seen a nакеd woman before?”
The old man said “Lady, I’m not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from”.
She said, “Well, if you’re not staring at my воовs sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He said, “Vell, I am looking and I’m looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hеll is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”