Women - Page 139

An elegantly dressed woman entered the business office and approached an executive.
“Sir,” said the lady, “I am soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?’ “Sorry,” replied the exec, “but I contribute directly.”!

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God made a man and then rested.
God made a woman and then no one rested.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters ‘BB’ tattooed to her Воовs.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her аss instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a ‘B’ on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. “What do you think?” the wife says.
“Uh, who the hеll is Bob?” the husband replies.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Behind every successful man there is a strong, supportive woman... and a very surprised mother-in-law!

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

My wife was watching Loose Women earlier when the competition question came on, it was:
Complete this saying ‘Strike when the iron is…’
A) Hot
B) Cold
C) Warm
I have now written a full letter of complaint to ITV asking why the correct answer of ‘not on’ was not listed.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

When I got married all my friends gave me grief about it. They're like, 'Man, you only get to have sеx with one woman for the rest of your life,' which that's turned out to be true. But one woman is actually a helluva lot better than the nobody I was working with before.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his вееr. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
“Well,” said Eric, “I ran afoul of one of those women’s questions women ask. Now I’m in deep doo-doo at home.”
“What kind of question?, asked Tom.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fат and ugly.”
“That’s easy,” said Tom. “You just say ‘Of course I will'”.
“Yeah”, said Eric, “That’s what I did, except I said ‘Of course I DO….'”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Fat Jokes

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. They’re fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”
As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says “Mommy, I’ve done a very weird thing!”
Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, “I passed a bullet into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!” The mother says, “Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”
The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, “Yes, how did you know?”
The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”
“You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”
“No, I was маsтurватing and I shot the dog.”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Items 11- 20 Of 31 … …
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11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. …
… …
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. … …
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13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. …
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. … …
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15. All single women have a cat. …
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Single People Jokes

3 men captured by female savages, are told their diскs would be removed, in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
1st was a lumberjack so his would be chopped off.
2nd was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.
3rd man started laughing.
The females asked what was so funny.
He replied ‘I work for Dyson!”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

My new British girlfriend sort of surprised me the other night when she texted me and told me she was in line to the throne.
Turns out she was in a pub and you know how long the women have to wait sometimes to use the women’s washroom.

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Jokes about Women Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

A man finds a bottle and opens it. A genie comes out.
The genie tells him, “By genie law I must give you three wishes, but after thousands of years of being in that bottle, I have become a very angry genie. You will still get your three wishes, but your worst enemy will get twice of whatever you wish.”
The man says, “First wish, I want 20 beautiful nymphomaniac women, all totally loyal to me, and willing to serve my every need.”
The genie replies, “Granted, but remember, your worst enemy gets twice that.”
The man says, “Second wish, I want a house with sеx themed rooms, stocked with the best sеxuаl toys in the world.”
The genie replies, “Granted, but remember, your worst enemy gets twice that.”
The man then says, “Third wish, I want to lose one nut.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

A woman is in Court to try to get maintenance arranged for her child and the Judge says that she must name the father of the child so that he can pay.
The woman says that this is a bit difficult as the father was a ghost that haunted her house at that time.
The Judge says this is ridiculous and asks the court if anyone in the building has ever had sеxuаl inтеrсоursе with a ghost.
To his surprise a man’s hand is raised slowly in the public gallery.
The Judge says “Are you prepared to swear in Court sir, that you have had sеx with a ghost?”
The man but smiled and put his hand to his mouth and said “Oh sorry, I thought you asked if anyone had had sеx with a goat!!”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

I love minorities. My wife is actually an intelligent woman.

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Jokes about Women Ethnic and Racial Jokes

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
“Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”.
“Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.” Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that вlоw job I promised you? Here it comes.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sеxy, buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.
“Hi Missus I’ve come for the paper money, it’s $5 please.” says our boy, with his hand held out.
“I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house, ” the woman replies in a breathy voice, “but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something. . .”
So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning “You can have ME instead. . .”
The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a diск that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant кnов.
“What are they for?” asks the woman.
“Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I shаg you.” replies the boy.
“To hеll with them! implores the woman, “I’ll take all of you!”
Our lad replies. . .
“Not for five fсuкing dollars you wont!”

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes

The Greek god Zeus was flying over a Greek island and noticed a nакеd woman washing herself, so he swooped down and made love to her.
Then he said, “In 9 months you shall have a child and you shall call him Hercules!”
And the woman replied “In 9 days you shall have a rash and you shall call it hеrреs.”

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Sex Jokes

I’m sick of women saying men can’t multi task! I can tell my wife how beautiful she looks and keep a straight face at the same time.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman. “Sсrеw me or climb the ladder to success” she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
“Sсrеw me or climb the ladder to success” she said. “Well”, thought the man, “might as well carry on. On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot.
“Sсrеw me now or climb the ladder to success” she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, everything he could want. “Sсrеw me or climb the ladder to success” she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.
“Who are you?” the man asked.
“Hello” said the ugly fат man said, “my name’s Cess!”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Fat Jokes

We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?"
Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes