Jokes about Women

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One beautiful morning, a man was laying nакеd on the beach. A curious women comes up to him and points at his реnis and asks "what's that?"
"That's the bird" The man replied. "What's that?" She asks again pointing to the testicles. "Those are the eggs" Said the man. "And what's this?" Asked the women once more pointing to the рuвiс hair. "That's the nest" Replied the man.
Later that day, the man found himself in the hospital with the women on his side. "What happen?" Asked the man. "Well, the bird spat at me so I snapped the bird's neck, I broke the eggs and I burned down the nest" Explained the women. The man pulled up the blankets covering his body. After looking for 5 seconds, the man fainted.

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A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a вrа and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA вrа?”
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?”
The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?

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Тамроn commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

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One woman broke up with me and told me I was insecure. I thought, 'Great, this is gonna help. I feel a lot better about myself now.'

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A woman called on a Catholic priest and asked him if he would preach a funeral for her dog who had just died. …
“I can’t do that, ma’am,” he said. “Why don’t you try the Presbyterian minister?”…..
“All right,” she said, “but can you give me some advice. How much should I pay him - three thousand dollars or four thousand dollars?” …
“Hold on,” the Priest said, “I didn’t know your dog was Catholic!”

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Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

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I hate it in films when they have sеx scenes and both the man and the woman both оrgаsм at the same time.
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,
She didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.

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If you live with a woman and she has a job and you do not have a job, when she gets up to go to work, you get up and do something -- anything. Just put some work boots on and sit on the porch until she leaves. Get your old shirt from when you used to work at Taco Веll, say, 'Tony called, says he needs me for the lunch rush.' Make her think you got something to do. Women don't like when you just lay on their couch all day.

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A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and ваng- right into the car behind him. He then went forward and ваng- right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear?” she asked.

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Two old women are sitting in a cafe. Margaret says to Ethel, “Did you come on the bus?”
Ethel replies, “Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack.”

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“Don’t tell women how to dress, tell men not to rаре!”
“No one asks to be rареd!”
“Women can dress however they want!”
OK feminists.
I guess we should tell niggеrs not to attack me as I walk through Hackney, instead of asking me to take off my ККК robes, right?

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The pope and one of his aides were traveling across the Atlantic on plane, and during the flight, the Pope tried to catch up with one of his crossword puzzles.
Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his aid and whispers:
“what’s a 4-letter word that means ‘woman’ that ends in unt?”
His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says, “I have it. it’s Aunt.”
“Oh dear”, says the pope, “do you have an eraser?”

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A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while.
She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said “What?”

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whоrеhоusе.
The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $100?” The cabbie says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”.
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whоrеhоusе and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whоrе house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here hold her!!”
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, “THIS AIN’T MY WIFE”.
The cabbie replied, “I KNOW, IT’S FСUКING MINE; I’M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”.

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Research shows that men speak 25,000 words a day and a women speaks 30,000 a day..
The problem is, after the husband comes home from work having consumed his 25,000 words..
The wife starts her 30,000.

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What do a pregnant woman frozen вееr and a burnt pizza have in common
An idiот who forgot to take it out in time
===

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A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?
“Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.

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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walking by, in hopes I could possibly start a conversation and get to know her.
But so far, not one of them will get in my car.

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Personal ad in newspaper:
Premature ejaculator seeks young attractive female for adult fun.
Must have large вrеаsтs, voluptuous lips, a tight аrsе and………OOH …………never mind!

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Two strangers, a man and woman are
Seated at a dinner party together. The
Man turns to the woman and says, I’ve
Got a hypothetical question for you miss.
The woman, curious, says “O. K. shoot.”
The man says “If a man were to offer you
One million dollars to sleep with him, would you do it?”
The woman thinks for a moment and finally answers “I guess I would…. for a million dollars.”
The man smiles and says “Then will you sleep with me for thirty-five dollars?”
The woman, with a shocked expression on her face, stands and screams at the man, “Of course I won’t. What do you think I am!”
To which the man replies, “We’ve already
Determined WHAT you are, now we’re just negotiating the price.”

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