Jokes about Women

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A man says to a woman,
If you hold a diamond and look in the mirror,you would be looking at two of the most beautiful things in the world.

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A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her.
The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten."
"That's right," the boy explained. "The last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."

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I love watching women’s heavyweight boxing.
It’s hilarious to see them fight back tears when the announcer tells everyone their weight.

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We all know that every man's fantasy is to have a тhrееsоме. That's every guy's fantasy. Yeah, great -- instead of one woman I can't satisfy, now I have two.

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What is the closest thing to a woman’s period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn’t You are FUСКЕD…

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He actually said this to me; he's like, 'Hey man, you got to be careful. There's a lot of women that have an Asian fetish.'
'Well, what do you mean?'
'They'll have sеx with you just 'cause you're Asian. Aren't you offended?' Uh, I'll be offended after my оrgаsм.

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A young woman, watching her brother get dressed for a stag smoker asks, “What exactly is a stag smoker?”
“Hey,” says her brother, “It’s exclusively for men. Women couldn’t understand or appreciate the significance. It’s a secret.”
Curiosity gets the best of her and she decides to crash the smoker to see for herself what it’s all about - Men only, indeed!! She wraps a towel very tightly around her вrеаsтs, dresses in some of her brothers clothes, shirt, tie, pants and jacket. Being a little concerned about the bulge her вrеаsтs make through the jacket, she decides that if anyone mentions it she’d simply say that she was deformed.
After putting on a fake mustache and covering her hair with a hat she leaves for the smoker. As she boards a bus, the driver stares at her strangely.
“Hey, pal, Are you OK?” the bus driver asks.
The young lady responds, “Oh, yeah, I’m just a little deformed.”
“I guess the hеll you are,” says the bus driver, “your fly is open and your аsshоlе is showing!”

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Three women were sitting around talking about their sеx lives.
The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his sтrоке.”
The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he is good for several hundred exciting laps.”
The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”
She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.”
“How so?”
“He’s got his time down to under 40 seconds.”

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To a woman, sеxuаl harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

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What do coffee beans and woman have in common?
They’re both useless until their wet.

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One of the youth soccer coaches didn't care much for my refereeing and had no problem letting me know it. Fed up, I politely threatened him with a send-off if he didn't stop.
He calmed down, but an older woman took up where he'd left off. "You'd better control your sideline," I warned the coach.
The coach turned to the woman and barked, "Knock it off, Mom!"

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When Adam stayed out late for a few nights, Eve became suspicious and upset. "You're running around with other women, aren't you?" she accused.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam asked, half asleep.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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For me golf is a lot like women; if she isn’t holding my wood, she should be holding an iron.

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I am a virtuous woman, that's why I cost more!

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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***РООF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***РООF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***РООF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
“Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

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Just saw this joke posted-
Any woman who thinks that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach may be aiming a bit too low!
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Personally, I think they may be aiming a bit too high.

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The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

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I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators

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A distressed but attractive woman is at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and asks; "Since you're about to кill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sеx first?"
The woman replies; "Get away from me, you sicko!"
As the вuм turns to leave he says,
"Okay, I'll just go wait for you at the bottom."

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A wife yells at her husband:
“How could you do this to me?!”
Husband:
“what did I do?” …
Wife:
- ” You shagged my sister, you ваsтаrd!” …
Husband :
“Well, when I went to work, she was lying nакеd on my table and you know she’s an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?” …
Wife:
“The freakin’ autopsy, you perv!”

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