Jokes about Women

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A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.
“Hi!” says the woman cheerfully, “Just so you know, I’m deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I’ll let you know if I didn’t catch something. So, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a ventriloquist,” says the man.
“What?” asks the woman.

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The minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.”
She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”
“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”
“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet and I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”

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One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked,
"What is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked,
"Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

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After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,
Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!

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There is a new franchised chain of bars and restaurants called ‘Tallywackers,’ as the female counterpart of ‘Ноотеrs.’
If you apply, they hand you a set of Spandex® boy-legged shorts and say, “Here, fill this out and come back to see us.”

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If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's? Historically insignificant?

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A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.
"These are very special shoes," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

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Man: Excuse me Miss are you from Hollywood?
Woman: Why?
Man: Because you are the only "Star" I see!

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A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”

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The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's аss.

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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.”
“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled,”volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you! said a fourth.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said an elderly gent.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your blessings,” said one woman cheerfully, “thankfully, we can all still drive.”

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Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me.

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Imagine how much fun women in burkas have tagging each other on Facebook.

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You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you ask out a blind woman and she tells you she’s seeing someone.

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A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a dамn checking account."
"Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."
"Could you move it along man? I just wanna open a dамn checking account," growled the would-be customer.
"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."
"What the hеll? Just let me open a dамn checking account, okay?"
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the annoyed teller, slipping off his stool and returning shortly with a woman who asked how she could be of service.
"Неll, I just won the TEN MILLION DOLLAR lottery," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a dамn checking account."
"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this МОRОN is giving you trouble?"

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When it comes to strength, who is stronger a man or a woman? Well when I think of it, a man beats on his diск when he is mastrubating and a woman only rubs. So a man is stronger.

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A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit. “Well,” said the dentist “I’ll do it again this time, but no more. There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” he woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”

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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
‘Big breaths,’. . . I instructed.
‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . replied the patient.

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Women deserve equal rights.
And lefts.

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I was on my way to a fancy dress party the other night when I spotted a woman being rареd.
As I stood there watching her get rареd, the woman screamed “why aren’t you doing something?”
“Because this is just a costume love, I’m not really batman.”

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