Jokes about Women

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A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, my Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."

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Always marry a woman with small palms.
It makes your diск look вiggеr!

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Do you like hot women that scream in bed?
Check out the burns unit at the hospital.

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A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says:
“Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?”
He says:
“No, but I’ve got dangling ваlls on a 9 inch.”
She “That’s not a record is it?”
Him “It is for a 10 year old.”

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I was really shocked when my wife gave birth and the baby was black.
Is there anything that woman can’t burn?

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“What do you think of Red China?” One woman asked another during a party on world affairs.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the other woman. “I guess it would be all right if you use it on a white tablecloth.”

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Apparently the female spider devours the male minutes after mating. It takes female humans years to do that.

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Ingredients for homemade love pheromone spray. Guaranteed to turn on every women.
Beer (4 cans)
Paint thinner (bottle)
Ketchup (half-bottle)
Cat Urinе (bowl)
Shoe polish (3 tins)
Rotten apples (three)
Toilet paper (5 sheets)

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Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
“I think everyone’s asleep, let’s go.”
“This one’s empty … no-ones looking… you go in first.”
“It’s a bit cramped - let me sit down!”
“Have you got the соndом? Quick - put it on.”
Sniff, sniff ,”Ah perfume - you think of everything!”
“This is great…..” (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice:
“This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you’re doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the соndом off the smoke detector.”

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Women say they like tall men.
But I’m probably at least 6’4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet.

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A big bullfrog is in the middle of the swamp crying out his lament about being stuck so far from all the action.
Out of nowhere this fairy godmother appears and tells him he will have an encounter with a beautiful young woman in three years. The bullfrog asks this fairy godmother why it will take so long.
"The woman is only in eighth grade now, and will not be dissecting frogs in Biology until her Junior year."

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I'm relaxing on the beach, and all of a sudden, all these women start gathering around me. They got these big signs; they're going, 'Fur is мurdеr! Fur is мurdеr!' I said, 'Lady, that's my back. Now get off it.'

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A woman was doing the laundry in the apartment buildings basement.
She had just finished washing and drying one load and was getting ready to start another load when she decided to wash the nightgown she was wearing.
She took it off and placed it in the washer. Now she is nакеd and preparing to take the freshly cleaned clothes upstairs when she noticed her son’s football helmet lying on the shelf. She grabbed the helmet, placed it on her head, picked up the clean clothes, and turned around.
There stood the Maintenance man who quickly said, “I don’t know which team you are playing for ma’am but I sure hope you win”.

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I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:
“I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby.”
“It was a typo” she said, “I’m really into walking, please pull your trousers up.”

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“I think the Johnson’s are suffering from age related stress,” a woman said of her neighbors. “What do mean?” asked her husband. “He won’t act his age, and she won’t admit hers.”

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I got stopped by a female cop.
“Do you know why I’ve stopped you?”
I said, “Because you want to suск me off.”
“Put your hands behind your head.”
I said, “I knew it.”

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Some men think that they can convert gаy women, make them straight. I couldn't do that. I could make a straight woman gаy, though. I got that going for me.

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A tall woman met a мidgет at a party. The мidgет was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. “I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a мidgет,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.”
“Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the мidgет. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
“If you think that was good,” said the мidgет with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”

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Why is it acceptable for Muslim women to wear a hijab but when I go into a bank wearing a Balaclava everyone freaks out?

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A recent scientific study has found pregnant women who use vibrators are 90% more likely to have a child who stutters.

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