Office and Work Jokes

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A guy had been out of work so long, he was desperate for a job.
He spent days wondering what to do, when he came up with an idea.
He grabbed a few tools from his Father’s shed and went off to the building site.
He told the foreman that he was a carpenter and asked if he could get a start.
The foreman jumped at the chance, he needed a carpenter to build a spiral staicase in one of the houses.
He told the chippie to get cracking.
The “would be” chippie went into the house and thought “where the fuск do I start?”
He decided the best thing to do was to smash his thumb with his hammer.
He came rushing out of the house, crying with pain and was sent to hospital.
Six week later he appeared again. The foreman told him to get on with the spiral staircase.
He went into the house, scratched his head and then took his saw and cut his arm. Once again he was sent to hospital.
A couple of weeks later, he’s back on site.
The foreman says, “thank fuск for that. They want to move in next week and the staircase has to be ready by then!”
The guy looks at the foreman and says, “for fuск?’s sake, am I the only сunт here who can build spiral staircases?”
A guy was driving on a winding forest road when suddenly a forest fairy jumps out in front of his car. He slams on the brakes and just avoids hitting the fairy.
The fairy was relieved and as a reward to the drive, the fairy offers him one wish. The driver, a waiter by profession, tells the fairy he would like a вiggеr hand so that he can carry more glasses and plates and handle his tips better.
The fairy grants his wish. Next day, he goes to work and a fellow waiter asks him about his big hand. He explained what happened and the other waiter then decided he too would go driving around on the winding forest road in the hope that he would also have a wish granted by the forest fairy.
After work that evening, the waiter goes driving around for hours and hours on the same stretch of round and had almost given up hope when suddenly the fairy jumps out in front of his car. He slams the brakes on and just avoids hitting the fairy.
The fairy approaches the guy and grants him a wish. The guy thinks long and hard and decides that he would like a big, long реnis.
The fairy warns him that not all girls like big реnis.
The waiter then says, “That’s OK, I know someone with a big hand!”
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. $ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. $ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. $ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. $ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. $ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a. M. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. $ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. $ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. $ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U. S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?  However... $ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. $$$ Game over.  Nerd wins.
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a. M. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U. S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?  However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over.  Nerd wins.
I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside.
Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.
The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone.
It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so.
I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jеrк. Then the jеrк got out and I got in.
We took the corner at hundred kilometers per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back.
We kept on the pavement, because there was a sign that said:
“Keep Death Off Our Roads”.
Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians.
As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again.
She pointed two thirty-eights at me. She also had a gun.
She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen - hanging from her left nostril.
She had teeth like the ten commandments - all broken.
She also had the most beautiful eyes - so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one.
There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrists were slashed. He was dead.
I said:
“Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be ill”. So I took her for a drive to calm her nerves.
Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left вrеаsт - breaking three of my fingers.
We had a flat tire, so I pumped and she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the flat tire.
Then I took her home and as I was kissing her goodnight, her father opened the door and stepped on my back, almost breaking it.
As I was giving her a final good-night kiss, she closed her legs and broke my nose.