Office and Work Jokes

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gаy and the other a drunк.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gаy guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunк.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said “you have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.”
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
“Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my вrа.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said:
“If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!
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It says:
"Press Any Key"
It means:
"Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says:
"Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says:
"Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
No. 1A4-2546512430E" It means:
"... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says:
"Installing program to C:\...."
It means:
"... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says:
"Please insert disk 11"
It means:
"Because I know dаrn well there are only 10 disks."
It says:
"Not enough memory"
It means:
"I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says:
"Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means:
"... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says:
"Please Wait...."
It means:
"... Indefinitely."
It says:
"Directory does not exist...."
It means:
".... any more. Whoops."
It says:
"The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means:
".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
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I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the вееr holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiот. Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
Medicine.
God must love sтuрid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Procrastinate Now!
I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
Thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
Commitment for a pig.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you
May have to eat them.
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John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said,
"I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said,
"I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said,
"Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said,
"I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked.
"Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunк."
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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare three envelopes.".
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If Restaurants Functioned Like ...
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day changes every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir, the soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5.00
Fly Feature. . . . . . . . . . . . . . no charge
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . .$2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
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