Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Лекар разговаря с пациент след преглед: - Вашето лошо здраве, се дължи изцяло на пиенето и пушенето. - Благодаря ви докторе! - отговаря пациентът - Мислех, че ще кажете, че вината е моя.“
Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes
A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.
She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.
Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard.
"Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No.
Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry.
But no.
Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course.
What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently suскs on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"
Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Boss Jokes
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a вееr.
The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve вееr to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a вееr.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve вееr to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says,
"If you don't serve me a вееr, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve вееr to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a вееr.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve вееr to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says,
"I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes
Пиян борец влиза в такси: Пијаница Три пияни девойки се качили на такси. Шофьорът решил да се пошегува. Запалил двигателя, давал газ около три минути и като угасил колата казал: Três bêbados entram em um táxi, e o taxista percebendo o nível de embriaguez dos rapazes, decide aplicar um golpe. 3 μεθυσμένοι μπαίνουν σε ένα ταξί... Pijak wsiada do taksówki: - Proszę na Warszawską - mówi niewyraźnym głosem. - Jesteśmy na Warszawskiej - odpowiada taksówkarz. - O jak szybko! - mówi zaskoczony pijaczyna i ciągnie dalej. - Ile...
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Money jokes
Der Affe und die Billiardkugel O sujeito entra no bar com um macaquinho no ombro, vai até o balcão e pede uma bebida. O macaquinho, muito esperto, fica pulando de mesa em mesa. Primeiro, ele pega umas azeitonas, examina bem de... Een man wandelt een bar binnen met zijn huisdier, een aap. Hij bestelt een pintje en terwijl hij het opdrinkt, springt zijn aap door heel het café. De aap neemt wat olijven van de bar en... Een man wandelt met zijn aap een bar binnen "Ja, dat verbaast me niets", antwoordt de man, "hij eet alles wat 'ie ziet. Sorry, ik zal voor alles betalen." De man drinkt zijn pint op, betaalt alles... En man stiger in på en bar. I sällskap har han sin lilla tama apa. Mannen beställer in en öl och slår sig ner. Under tiden går apan runt i baren. Vid ett bord står en skål jordnötter. De äter apan... En kille kom in i baren med en apa på axeln. - Ni får akta er för hårbollen, sa killen, han äter allt i sin väg. Just i det ögonblicket hoppade apan upp på biljardbordet, stoppade en av bollarna i... En mand kommer ind på en bar med sin abe. Han bestiller en øl, og mens han drikker den hopper aben rundt over hele baren. Aben tager nogle oliven fra baren, og spiser dem. Derefter tager den nogle... Numa visita a um zoológico da capital, um veter- inário foi à jaula do macaco. — Chegando lá, começou a observar uma atitude estranha do símio: Cada vez que ele dava uma pipoca pro macaquinho,... Toda vez que o rapaz visitava o zoologico, ele observava que todo alimento que era jogado na jaula do macaco o bicho primeiro passava na bunda para depois comer. Intrigado com aquela cena, certo... Um homem estava andando e comendo pipoca qdo passou na frente de um zoologico e resolveu entrar. Parando em frente a jaula de um macaco, ele jogou uma pipoca pro macaco, o macaco passou na bunda e... Adamın biri evcil maymunu ile bir bara gitmiş. Bir içki ısmarlamış, o sırada da maymunu ortalıkda dolaşıp eline ne geçirirse ağızına atıyomuş. Son olarak bilardo masasındaki bir topu mideye... Un tip cu o Maimuta intra intr-un bar. Se duce omul la bar Si comanda o bere. Maimuta incepe sa sara De colo colo si baga in gura tot ce Gaseste: mananca maslinele si Ciresele de pe bar, sare pe... Човек влиза в бар с домашната си маймуна. Той поръчва питие, а докато го пие, маймуната вилнее. Скача на билярдната маса и грабва една топка, пъха я в устата си и я поглъща цялата. Барманът...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.
The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that sтuрid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his вuтт, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a peanut up his вuтт, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron.
"Ever since he ate that dаrn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Men jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes
From the State where drunк driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunк comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sеx in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunк wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunк comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunк goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunк!!
Hahahahaha wot a fuскing LAUGH!
Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes Dad Jokes Car and driving jokes
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody.
So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him.
Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?"
So the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street.
So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?".
Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President.
So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this."
Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?"
So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope.
So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope."
So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out.
He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes
"No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes
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