Alien Jokes - Page 3

There are always two ways to fix any problem in Russia. One realistic, and one fantastical.
Realistic: a UFO arrives, green aliens jump out and fix it all.
Fantastical: They do it ourselves.

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Alien Jokes

What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?
Undocumented democrats.

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Obama jokes Alien Jokes American Presidents Humor

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...
... And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Сhrisт?"
"Jesus Сhrisт?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

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Mars Jokes Alien Jokes

Take me away from here! I miss the days when they used to be afraid of us.

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Alien Jokes

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Alien Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

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Alien Jokes

Earth map we have. Earth map aliens have

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Alien Jokes USA Jokes

So, what did you find out? You can tell them anything! And I mean ANYTHING

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Donald Trump Jokes Alien Jokes

I read on Facebook today that Mark Zuckerberg has transitioned from alien to a woman (I'm not here to judge) and now would like to be referred to Elona. I read it on FB so it has to be fact.

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Facebook Jokes Alien Jokes Facebook Meta fact check jokes

- Is that Earth? - Yes. - Go lock the door

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Alien Jokes

Trump ordered the UFO files to be opened ...

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Donald Trump Jokes Alien Jokes Donald Trump administration jokes

I don’t care that you’ve already probed me 10 times. Do it again.

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Jokes about Women Alien Jokes

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name
deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic вiмво named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's вlоw'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Vаliuм.
Asshole.
Bitch.

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School Jokes American Jokes Military Jokes Alien Jokes

Alien Воотy Call... Phone Home:
Forget phooone hooome. How about phooone meeee?

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Dirty jokes Alien Jokes

White people, y'all are the only people to ever see aliens.
I'm telling you, it's true. I was watching something about sightings. You never see blacks and Hispanics on sightings. You don't see that. You want to know why? I'm going to tell you why you don't see us on it - because we mind our dамn business.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Alien Jokes

Q: What do you call an alien with three ваlls?
A: ET, the extra теsтiсlе.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Alien Jokes

Alien Воотy Call... Did It Hurt?:
Did it hurt when you fell from the Jicknob Nebula?

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Pick-Up Lines Jokes Dirty jokes Alien Jokes

Alien Воотy Call... Next Planet:
The next planet on my tour of this galaxy is Uranus.

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Pick-Up Lines Jokes Alien Jokes

Alien Воотy Call... Stolen Heart:
You've stolen my heart. Luckily, I have three more.

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Pick-Up Lines Jokes Dirty jokes Alien Jokes

Two aliens land on the earth, near L.A. They get out of their aircraft, take their scanners, and start exploring their surroundings. After walking for a while, they suddenly see a L.A.P.D. cop lying in the middle of the road.
So the first alien says, "UX251, do you see the object on the ground?"
"Yes," answers the other, "what could it be?"
"I don't know, UX251, pass the scanner and see if we can retrieve some data on it."
So they scan the object. "No data available, UZ11, what will we do now?"
The alien thinks for a while, picks up the cap, and puts it on his head. "What could this object possibly be?" asks the other one. "I don't know you wеirdо," says the alien, "but I sure feel like beating the сrар out of you."

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