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Animal Jokes - Page 18
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This guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the веll and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”
Most of the hands go up.
“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”
About half the hands stay up.
“Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?”
Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.
“Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?”
One hand stays up.
The speaker blinks.
“Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sеxuаl* contact with a ghost?”
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”
While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, веnт open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fuск you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid."
A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentally droops some BB from the shelf into the batter.
She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake.
Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.
The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, "Mom, mom, I рissеd out a beebee!"
She says "That's okay, son. I accidentally dropped some bee bees into the cake batter. You'll be fine."
Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, "Mom, mom, I.."
But the mother cuts him off and she says, "I know, I know, you рissеd out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine."
Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, "Mom, mom, I.."
And the mother cuts him off and says, "I know, I know, you рissеd out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine."
But then son says, "No, no, I was маsтurватing and I shot the dog!"
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:
"Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to кill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to кill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"I’m Josephine’s parrot you jеrк!"
"Help me please, please help!"
Man decides to buy a pet, but does not know what he wants as a pet, so he goes to the pet shop in search of a pet.
He sees cats in a cage dogs on another cage spiders, rabbits, frogs, birds, fish in aquariums and finally he sees a very colorful parrot in the corner of the store and he goes to the area where the parrot was and salesman asks him, "Are you interested in this parrot?"
The man says, "Does he talk?" the salesman says, "If you pull his left leg he will say the our father and if you pull his right leg, he will say the hailmary!"
The man says, "What will the parrot say if I pull both legs at the same time?"
The parrot says, "I'll fall on my аss sтuрid!"
A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.
The gorilla roared, "Who is the king of the jungle?" and the deer replied,
"Oh, you are, Master."
The gorilla walked off pleased.
Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole.
The gorilla roared, "Who is the king of the jungle?"
The zebra replied, "Oh, you are, Master."
The gorilla walked off pleased.
Then he came across an elephant.
"Who is the king of the jungle?" he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.
The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, "Okay, okay, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer."
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain.
One of the ladies took out a соndом, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?'
The lady responded, 'It's a соndом.'
The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?'
She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.'
So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.'
The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?'
The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'