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Animal Jokes

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A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a соw came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of соw dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of соw dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Ιστορίες με σπουργίτια Το σπουργιτάκι Сташен студ Учителката по български на Иванчо дала домашно да се напише съчинение, в което да има примери за добро и зло и поуки от тях. БАСНЯ: Era uma vez um pardal que se cansou da vida rotineira da cidade grande e resolveu sair em busca de aventuras. Voou para uma região extremamente fria, ficando gelado até não poder mais voar e cair... Узимку летів горобець, замерз і впав. Йшла мимо корова. Лепешка - лясь! І горобця накрило. Горобець відігрівся і зацвірінькав. Повз бігла кішка, почула, витягла горобця і з'їла. Звідси три моралі:...
Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes
Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience.
Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her.
She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden...
Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
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Pet Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes
A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says:
"Doc I can't live without sеx, I need the use of my equipment back!!"
The Doc says:
"There is an experimental procedure where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your реnis, this gives you the full use of your реnis."
"Great I'll do it."
Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it.
It happens again.
So he figured it just needed some air.
So he unzips his pants to let it out. The problem seemed to go away until his реnis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared back under the table.
His date stared in complete awe and said:
"Can you do that again"
"Probably but I don't think I could fit another roll up my аss."
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Sex Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes
Yo mama is so sтuрid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
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Animal Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his ваlls.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
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Lucky Dog Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that." Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!" These two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the streets licking its own nuts. First guy says "Man, sure wish I could do that." Second says "I dunno, I think I'd pet him first." Dos amigos ven a un perro que se está lamiendo los cojones. - ¡Cómo me gustaría poder hacer eso mismo! - dice uno de ellos -. Y el otro contesta: - Bueno, pero antes intimarías un poco con el... Kaksi ruotsalaista olivat puistossa, kun he huomasivat koiran olevan pusikossa nuolemassa sukupuolielimiään ja sai suurta mielihyvää. - Mitä ihmettä se oikein tekee? kysyi Börje. - Göran, joskus... To menn ser på en hund slikke seg nedentil. Den ene mannen sier: "Jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne gjøre det!" "Virkelig?" sier den andre. "Jeg hadde bare tenkt å klappe den."
Bar and Bartender Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dog jokes
A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a вееr."
The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner.
"Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a вееr."
The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of вееr."
So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a вееr.
"You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here."
To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
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A 10-point buck walked into a lodge restaurant and ordered a burger and fries. Ein Pferd kommt in den Saloon und bestellt einen Whiskey. ,"Was bin ich schuldig?",- "Sechs Dollar," sagt der Keeper und schluckt, "Also, ein Pferd habe ich noch nie bedient." ,Da meint der Gaul nur:,"Bei den Preisen wird es auch das letzte Mal gewesen sein!" Gorilin biri bara girmiş.Barmenden bir içki istemiş.Barmen çok şaşırmış tabii,ama belli etmeden gorilin içkisini vermiş..Hesap ödeme zamanı gelince de üç misli fazla söylemiş.Goril ses çıkarmadan... Estaba un cantinero esperando al primer cliente, cuando al cabo de varias horas, entra un caballo, se sienta y pide un trago. El caballo se toma el trago y le pregunta cuánto le debe. El cantinero... En apekatt kommer inn på en bar, legger en 200-lapp på baren og ber om én øl. “Jøss, en snakkende apekatt...”, tenker bartenderen. “Selv om han kan snakke, så er han sikkert ikke så flink til å...
Animal Jokes Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court.
The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear.
He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said,
"I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"
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Divorce Jokes Sports Jokes Animal Jokes Baby Jokes
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an obscenity.
Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”
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Parrot jokes Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Birthday Jokes
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.
They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
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Aviation Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Military Jokes
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says:
"Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"
"Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
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Animal Jokes Food Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes
A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him.
When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog.
A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes.
He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?"
The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his аss!"
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Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes Nurse jokes Dog jokes
One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park.
Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!"
The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
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Блондинка и брюнетка се разхождат в парка. Мртва птица Watch the Birdie Eine Brünette und eine Blondine Το πεθαμένο πουλάκι Ein Ostfriese ist in Bayern im Urlaub. Идут 2 блондинки. Одна и говорит: Una pareja de gallegos caminaba por la playa y en eso que le dice el hombre a su mujer: Eine Brünette und eine Blondine gehen durch einen Park. Plötzlich sagt die Brünette: "Kuck mal, ein toter Vogel". Die Blondine sieht zum Himmel und fragt: "Wo?" Uma morena e uma loira estavam passeando. A morena disse: - Veja, um passarinho morto! A loira olhou pra cima e perguntou: - Onde? C'est une brune qui dit à une blonde : "Ho, un oiseau mort!!" Et puis la blonde regarde vers le ciel et dit : "Ou ça ????" Idą dwie blondynki przez park. Jedna mówi do drugiej: - Patrz, zdechły ptaszek. A druga patrzy w niebo i mówi: - Gdzie? En brunette och en blondin var ute och promenerade när brunetten plötsligt utbrister: - åhhh, titta en död fågel Varvid blondinen stannar och stirrar upp i lufte... Ce sont deux amis, un francais et un belge qui se promenent sur la plage.Soudain, le francais dit au belge: 'regarde une mouette morte! ou ça?'dit le belge en regardant en l'air... Un lepero le dice a otro: Oye Paco... mira mira, un pájaro muerto!! Paco mira hacia el cielo y pregunta... ¿dónde dónde? Une brune et une blonde se balade en ville.Soudain la brune crie : - AAAAH UN PIGEON MORT !!!! La blonde regarde dans le ciel et dis : - OU ÇA,OU ÇA !!!!! Dos atlantes se encuentran en la playa y uno de ellos le dice al otro: - Mira, una gaviota muerta. Y el otro mirando hacia el cielo le pregunta: - ¿Dónde? Deux blondes se promènent en forêt. L'une dit : "Oh, regarde, des oiseaux morts !" L'autre regarde en l'air et fait : "où ça ?". Op straat loopt een dom blondje en een brunette. De brunette roept: “Kijk een dood vogeltje!” Waarop het domme blondje omhoog kijkt en zegt: “Waar dan?” En brunette og en blondine kommer gående, og brunetten sier: - Se, der er en død fugl. Blondinen kikker opp og sier: - Hvor? Det var en gang to svensker som gikk på en vei så sa den ene: Titta, en död fågel. Da ser den andre svensken opp i lufta og sier: Var da? En blondine og en brunette går en tur i parken. Pludselig siger brunetten: Ad! Prøv at se på den døde fugl! – Blondinen stopper, kigger op og siger: Hvor? Det var en gang ei blondine og en brunette som gikk seg en tur, plutselig sier brunetten: – Åå, se på den døde fuglen. Og blondina såg opp mot himmelen og sa: – Hvor? Uma loira e uma morena, estavam passeando pela calçada, quando de repente a morena falou: - Olha um passarinho morto! Então a loira olhou para cima e disse: - Onde? Come si misura l’intelligenza di una bionda ? Le si infila un manometro in un orecchio. Perche’ la bionda ha attraversato la strada ?- Dimenticati la strada…. cosa stava facendo fuori dalla... Iemand zegt tegen een Limburger: "Kijk daar een dode vogel!" Waarop de Limburger naar de lucht kijkt en vraagt: "Waar dan?" O blonda si o bruneta se plimbau in parcul Cismigiu. Bruneta : - Uite o pasare moarta! La care blonda ,uitandu-se pe cer ,spune : - Unde ,unde?? Memento mori To blondiner går tur på stranden. Pludselig siger den ene: "Guuuud, se en død måge!" "Hvor?" Siger den anden, mens hun kigger op luften. Blondi ja brunette kävelevät puistossa. - Katso! Kuollut lintu! sanoo brunette Blondi katsoo ylös ja kysyy: - Missä? O bruneta se adreseaza unei blonde: - Uite, draga, o pasare moarta... - Unde, unde, unde? intreaba blonda privind spre cer! Deux blonde se promènent, soudainement ; l'une s'écrit : - Oh ! Regarde un oiseau mort ! - Où ça ?! Demande l'autre en regardant le ciel. A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?" Ei brunette og ei blondine var ute og gikk en tur i parken sammen. Plutselig ser brunetten en død fugl på bakken og sier "å se på den stakkars døde fuglen". Blondinen kikker opp i lufta og sier... Une blonde se promène avec une amie. Soudain, celle-ci lui dit : - Oh, regarde ! Un oiseau mort ! La blonde lève alors la tête : - Où ça ? Où ça ? Une blonde et son amie(qui n'est pas blonde) se promènent dans un parc. Plus tard son amie dit : - «Regarde un oiseau mort!» Et la blonde lui répond en levant sa tête : - «Où ça» Død fugl En blondine og hendes kæreste var ude og gå en tur. Pludselig udbryder manden: - Ad, prøv at se den døde fugl der!!! Hvorefter blondinen kigger op og siger: - Hvor. Blondinen og brunetten En blondine og en brunette kom gående.... Lige pludselig siger brunetten: "SE! der ligger en død fugl" . Blondinen kigger op i himlen og siger: "Hvor, hvor!".... Brunetka i blondynka idą przez park. Brunetka nagle mówi: "Och, popatrz na tego biednego zdechłego ptaszka!" Blondynka spojrzała na niebo i spytała "Gdzie?" O blonda si o Bruneta stau pe o banca in parc. - Uite o Pasare moarta, zice bruneta. - Unde? zice blonda, Uitandu-se pe cer. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly. The blonde stops, looks up into the... Birgün dagda Temel ile Cemal yürürken Temel Cemal’e derki: - "Yahu Cemal paksana, kus ölmüs daa!" Cemal de havaya bakarak cevap verir: - "Ula Temel hanidur daa??"
Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes One-Liner Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
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Democrat jokes Animal Jokes
Yo' Mama is so fат, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.
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Yo Momma Jokes Animal Jokes Fat Jokes
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
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Papagei Един ден Петър влиза в магазин за домашни любимци с намерението да си купи папагал. Влиза клиент в зоомагазин и пита продавача, защо папагалите са с различна цена. Продавачът му обяснява: Един човек влязъл в зоомагазин и попитал за цената на един папагал. Ein Mann geht in eine Zoohandlung, er möchte einen Papagei kaufen. Dans une animalerie, un gars souhaite adopter un perroquet. Le vendeur lui dit : Erkundigt sich einer in einer Zoohandlung nach einem Papagei. Ein Mann betritt eine Tierhandlung, um einen Papagei zu kaufen. Der Verkäufer zeigt die drei vorrätigen Exemplare. Der erste Papagei ist herrlich bunt, bildschön und 50 cm gross. "Na ja", denkt der Käufer, der wird wohl recht teuer sein. Er fragt den Verkäufer nach dem Preis: "1.000 Euro! Aber... Un tizio entra in un negozio di animali per comprare un pappagallo. Il negoziante avverte che ne ha solo tre e molto costosi. Il primo costa 10 milioni ed e' in grado di programmare un computer, il secondo costa 50 milioni e oltre che a programmare e' in grado di progettare computer. Il terzo... Un hombre entra en una pajarería y ve tres hermosos loros. -¿Cuánto cuestan? -le pregunta al empleado-. -Este sabe inglés, francés y alemán. Por cinco mil dólares es suyo. -¿Y el de al lado? -Bueno, ése también sabe tres idiomas, pero además es ingeniero y técnico en computación. Se lo lleva por... Um cara entra numa loja de animais, querendo comprar um papagaio e encontra três idênticos numa gaiola e pergunta o preço: — O da esquerda custa 500 reais — diz o dono. — Nossa, que caro! Por que... Un gars veut s'acheter un perroquet. Il en voit à la vitrine d'une animalerie. Il explique ce qu'il veut et le vendeur lui propose: - Je peux vous proposer celui-ci: Il est bilingue... Facet chciał kupić papugę. Pyta: - Ile za tą? - i wskazuje palcem. - Ta 1000 zł, mówi po polsku i angielsku. - A ta zielona? - 2000 zł, mówi po polsku, angielsku i rosyjsku. - A ta niebieska? -... Um certo dia um menino e seu pai passam na frente de uma loja de pássaros, e seu filho diz: - Papai, compra um papagaio pra mim. E seu pai responde: - Vamos lá olhar os preços. E ele todo... Neulich in der Tierhandlung: Ein Kunde will einen Papagei kaufen. Es stehen 3 Papageien zur Auswahl. Der Kunde zeigt auf den Ersten: "Was kostet der?“ Tierhändler: "100 Euro.“ Kunde: "Warum ist der... Un vendedor de loros tenía a la venta un loro grande, uno mediano y otro lorito chico, rasca, poca cosa, una porquería de loro. Una persona se interesa en comprar uno de los loros. ¿Cuánto vale el... Een man gaat naar een dierenwinkel om een papegaai te kopen. De eigenaar van de winkel wijst drie papegaaien aan die er hetzelfde uitzien en zegt: "Deze papegaai aan de linkerkant kost 1000... Un gars veut acheter un perroquet. Il se rend chez le marchand De perroquets et demande au vendeur: - Bonjour, je voudrais un perroquet. - Nous en avons trois. Un a 1000 F, un a 2000 F, et un autre... Egy nő bemegy a kis állatkereskedésbe és a papagájok után érdeklődik. Az egyik kalitkában 3, különösen szép papagáj üldögél, a jobb szélsőre rámutat az eladó: - Ez itt például 5000 forintba kerül.... Un hombre está vendiendo loros en la calle. Lleva un loro en el hombre, otro loro en el codo y otro loro en la mano. Pasa un cliente y le pregunta: -¿ Cuánto vale el loro que tiene en la mano? -... Um garoto entra em uma loja de animais para comprar um papagaio se dirige ao balconista e fala: — Eu queria comprar um papagaio. — Tem aqueles 3 ali, fala o balconista apontanto para um canto. —... Viene un hombre a la tienda de animales y le pregunta al vendedor si le puede enseñar unos cuantos loritos, pero de los mejores... El vendedor le acompaña y le enseña al primer loro: Comprador:... O cara foi na loja de animais para comprar um papagaio. ao chegar la viu dentro d uma gaio la 3 papagaios .1bonitao, 1mais ou menos e um mais feio, magrinho e arrepiado. pediu entao ao dono da loja... Bemegy egy fickó az állatkereskedésbe, mert szeretne venni egy papagájt... Kérdezi az eladót: - Mennyibe kerül ez a papagáj? - Ez 10.000 Ft. El tudja énekelni a magyar himnuszt. - És ez a másik? -... Влегол човек во продавница за домашни миленици и бара да купи папагал. Продавачот му покажува три и му вели дека првиот чини 5.000 денари. - Зошто е толку скап? - Па знае 1,000 зборови, а решава и... Ein Mann will einen Papagei kaufen. Er sieht sich verschiedene an und entschließt sich zum Kauf eines besonders schönen Exemplares. Der herbeigerufene Verkäufer erklärt, dieser Papagei kostet... The pet store was selling three parrots. A man who wants to buy a parrot approaches the clerk and asks, “How much are your parrots?” The sales clerk answers, “The first one is $1,000.” “What does... Em uma loja de animais o cliente chega para comprar um papagaio e olha o primeiro e pergunta ao dono da loja: Quanto custa este aqui? Este custa R$ 5.000,00 diz o vendedor O cliente pergunta: por... O rapaz resolveu comprar um papagaio e chegando a uma loja de aves havistou 3 papagaios proximos e logo perguntou ao vendedor: — Quanto custa aquele pagagaio da gaiola esquerda? O vendedor... Um homem entra em uma loja de animais querendo comprar um papagaio. Nessa loja haviam somente 3 papagaios e o homem pergunta: — Quanto custa esse papagaio? E o vendedor responde: — Mil reais. O... O homem chega no aviário e ve tres papagaios e pergunta parao atendente do aviário : — Quanto que esta esse papagaio aqui da direita? E o vendedor responde : — 100 reais E ele pergunta de novo... Adamın biri bir papağan almak ister ve bir petshopa gider. Gözüne bir papağan kestirir ve bu papağanın fiyatını sorar. - Affedersiniz, bu papağan kaç para? - 100 bin - Allah Allah! Niye bu kadar...
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Pig!
A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "ВIТСН!"
They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
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What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot
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Cool Morals:
1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink вееr.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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