Animal Jokes

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A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says:
"Doc I can't live without sеx, I need the use of my equipment back!!"
The Doc says:
"There is an experimental procedure where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your реnis, this gives you the full use of your реnis."
"Great I'll do it."
Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it.
It happens again.
So he figured it just needed some air.
So he unzips his pants to let it out. The problem seemed to go away until his реnis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared back under the table.
His date stared in complete awe and said:
"Can you do that again"
"Probably but I don't think I could fit another roll up my аss."
Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Baby Jokes
Един ден Петър влиза в магазин за домашни любимци с намерението да си купи папагал. Влиза клиент в зоомагазин и пита продавача, защо папагалите са с различна цена. Продавачът му обяснява: Един човек влязъл в зоомагазин и попитал за цената на един папагал. Влегол човек во продавница за домашни миленици и бара да купи папагал. Продавачот му покажува три и му вели дека првиот чини 5.000 денари. - Зошто е толку скап? - Па знае 1,000 зборови, а решава и... The pet store was selling three parrots. A man who wants to buy a parrot approaches the clerk and asks, “How much are your parrots?” The sales clerk answers, “The first one is $1,000.” “What does... Un hombre entra en una pajarería y ve tres hermosos loros. -¿Cuánto cuestan? -le pregunta al empleado-. -Este sabe inglés, francés y alemán. Por cinco mil dólares es suyo. -¿Y el de al lado? -Bueno, ése también sabe tres idiomas, pero además es ingeniero y técnico en computación. Se lo lleva por... Un vendedor de loros tenía a la venta un loro grande, uno mediano y otro lorito chico, rasca, poca cosa, una porquería de loro. Una persona se interesa en comprar uno de los loros. ¿Cuánto vale el... Un hombre está vendiendo loros en la calle. Lleva un loro en el hombre, otro loro en el codo y otro loro en la mano. Pasa un cliente y le pregunta: -¿ Cuánto vale el loro que tiene en la mano? -... Viene un hombre a la tienda de animales y le pregunta al vendedor si le puede enseñar unos cuantos loritos, pero de los mejores... El vendedor le acompaña y le enseña al primer loro: Comprador:... Papagei Ein Mann geht in eine Zoohandlung, er möchte einen Papagei kaufen. Erkundigt sich einer in einer Zoohandlung nach einem Papagei. Ein Mann betritt eine Tierhandlung, um einen Papagei zu kaufen. Der Verkäufer zeigt die drei vorrätigen Exemplare. Der erste Papagei ist herrlich bunt, bildschön und 50 cm gross. "Na ja", denkt der Käufer, der wird wohl recht teuer sein. Er fragt den Verkäufer nach dem Preis: "1.000 Euro! Aber... Neulich in der Tierhandlung: Ein Kunde will einen Papagei kaufen. Es stehen 3 Papageien zur Auswahl. Der Kunde zeigt auf den Ersten: "Was kostet der?“ Tierhändler: "100 Euro.“ Kunde: "Warum ist der... Ein Mann will einen Papagei kaufen. Er sieht sich verschiedene an und entschließt sich zum Kauf eines besonders schönen Exemplares. Der herbeigerufene Verkäufer erklärt, dieser Papagei kostet... Dans une animalerie, un gars souhaite adopter un perroquet. Le vendeur lui dit : Un gars veut s'acheter un perroquet. Il en voit à la vitrine d'une animalerie. Il explique ce qu'il veut et le vendeur lui propose: - Je peux vous proposer celui-ci: Il est bilingue... Un gars veut acheter un perroquet. Il se rend chez le marchand De perroquets et demande au vendeur: - Bonjour, je voudrais un perroquet. - Nous en avons trois. Un a 1000 F, un a 2000 F, et un autre... Un tizio entra in un negozio di animali per comprare un pappagallo. Il negoziante avverte che ne ha solo tre e molto costosi. Il primo costa 10 milioni ed e' in grado di programmare un computer, il secondo costa 50 milioni e oltre che a programmare e' in grado di progettare computer. Il terzo... Adamın biri bir papağan almak ister ve bir petshopa gider. Gözüne bir papağan kestirir ve bu papağanın fiyatını sorar. - Affedersiniz, bu papağan kaç para? - 100 bin - Allah Allah! Niye bu kadar... Um cara entra numa loja de animais, querendo comprar um papagaio e encontra três idênticos numa gaiola e pergunta o preço: — O da esquerda custa 500 reais — diz o dono. — Nossa, que caro! Por que... Um certo dia um menino e seu pai passam na frente de uma loja de pássaros, e seu filho diz: - Papai, compra um papagaio pra mim. E seu pai responde: - Vamos lá olhar os preços. E ele todo... Um garoto entra em uma loja de animais para comprar um papagaio se dirige ao balconista e fala: — Eu queria comprar um papagaio. — Tem aqueles 3 ali, fala o balconista apontanto para um canto. —... O cara foi na loja de animais para comprar um papagaio. ao chegar la viu dentro d uma gaio la 3 papagaios .1bonitao, 1mais ou menos e um mais feio, magrinho e arrepiado. pediu entao ao dono da loja... Em uma loja de animais o cliente chega para comprar um papagaio e olha o primeiro e pergunta ao dono da loja: Quanto custa este aqui? Este custa R$ 5.000,00 diz o vendedor O cliente pergunta: por... O rapaz resolveu comprar um papagaio e chegando a uma loja de aves havistou 3 papagaios proximos e logo perguntou ao vendedor: — Quanto custa aquele pagagaio da gaiola esquerda? O vendedor... Um homem entra em uma loja de animais querendo comprar um papagaio. Nessa loja haviam somente 3 papagaios e o homem pergunta: — Quanto custa esse papagaio? E o vendedor responde: — Mil reais. O... O homem chega no aviário e ve tres papagaios e pergunta parao atendente do aviário : — Quanto que esta esse papagaio aqui da direita? E o vendedor responde : — 100 reais E ele pergunta de novo... Facet chciał kupić papugę. Pyta: - Ile za tą? - i wskazuje palcem. - Ta 1000 zł, mówi po polsku i angielsku. - A ta zielona? - 2000 zł, mówi po polsku, angielsku i rosyjsku. - A ta niebieska? -... Een man gaat naar een dierenwinkel om een papegaai te kopen. De eigenaar van de winkel wijst drie papegaaien aan die er hetzelfde uitzien en zegt: "Deze papegaai aan de linkerkant kost 1000... Egy nő bemegy a kis állatkereskedésbe és a papagájok után érdeklődik. Az egyik kalitkában 3, különösen szép papagáj üldögél, a jobb szélsőre rámutat az eladó: - Ez itt például 5000 forintba kerül.... Bemegy egy fickó az állatkereskedésbe, mert szeretne venni egy papagájt... Kérdezi az eladót: - Mennyibe kerül ez a papagáj? - Ez 10.000 Ft. El tudja énekelni a magyar himnuszt. - És ez a másik? -...
Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Phone jokes Parrot jokes Boss Jokes
Lucky Dog Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that." Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!" These two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the streets licking its own nuts. First guy says "Man, sure wish I could do that." Second says "I dunno, I think I'd pet him first." Dos amigos ven a un perro que se está lamiendo los cojones. - ¡Cómo me gustaría poder hacer eso mismo! - dice uno de ellos -. Y el otro contesta: - Bueno, pero antes intimarías un poco con el... To menn ser på en hund slikke seg nedentil. Den ene mannen sier: "Jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne gjøre det!" "Virkelig?" sier den andre. "Jeg hadde bare tenkt å klappe den." Kaksi ruotsalaista olivat puistossa, kun he huomasivat koiran olevan pusikossa nuolemassa sukupuolielimiään ja sai suurta mielihyvää. - Mitä ihmettä se oikein tekee? kysyi Börje. - Göran, joskus...
Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes
A 10-point buck walked into a lodge restaurant and ordered a burger and fries. Estaba un cantinero esperando al primer cliente, cuando al cabo de varias horas, entra un caballo, se sienta y pide un trago. El caballo se toma el trago y le pregunta cuánto le debe. El cantinero... Ein Pferd kommt in den Saloon und bestellt einen Whiskey. ,"Was bin ich schuldig?",- "Sechs Dollar," sagt der Keeper und schluckt, "Also, ein Pferd habe ich noch nie bedient." ,Da meint der Gaul nur:,"Bei den Preisen wird es auch das letzte Mal gewesen sein!" Gorilin biri bara girmiş.Barmenden bir içki istemiş.Barmen çok şaşırmış tabii,ama belli etmeden gorilin içkisini vermiş..Hesap ödeme zamanı gelince de üç misli fazla söylemiş.Goril ses çıkarmadan... En apekatt kommer inn på en bar, legger en 200-lapp på baren og ber om én øl. “Jøss, en snakkende apekatt...”, tenker bartenderen. “Selv om han kan snakke, så er han sikkert ikke så flink til å...
Money jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes
Sports Jokes Animal Jokes Divorce Jokes Baby Jokes
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an obscenity.
Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”
Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Birthday Jokes Parrot jokes
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.
They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Animal Jokes Military Jokes Aviation Jokes Sick and Death Jokes
Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
Jokes about Women Food Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Nurse jokes Beauty Jokes Dog jokes
Блондинка и брюнетка се разхождат в парка. Мртва птица Watch the Birdie A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?" A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly. The blonde stops, looks up into the... Una pareja de gallegos caminaba por la playa y en eso que le dice el hombre a su mujer: Un lepero le dice a otro: Oye Paco... mira mira, un pájaro muerto!! Paco mira hacia el cielo y pregunta... ¿dónde dónde? Dos atlantes se encuentran en la playa y uno de ellos le dice al otro: - Mira, una gaviota muerta. Y el otro mirando hacia el cielo le pregunta: - ¿Dónde? Идут 2 блондинки. Одна и говорит: Eine Brünette und eine Blondine Ein Ostfriese ist in Bayern im Urlaub. Eine Brünette und eine Blondine gehen durch einen Park. Plötzlich sagt die Brünette: "Kuck mal, ein toter Vogel". Die Blondine sieht zum Himmel und fragt: "Wo?" C'est une brune qui dit à une blonde : "Ho, un oiseau mort!!" Et puis la blonde regarde vers le ciel et dit : "Ou ça ????" Ce sont deux amis, un francais et un belge qui se promenent sur la plage.Soudain, le francais dit au belge: 'regarde une mouette morte! ou ça?'dit le belge en regardant en l'air... Une brune et une blonde se balade en ville.Soudain la brune crie : - AAAAH UN PIGEON MORT !!!! La blonde regarde dans le ciel et dis : - OU ÇA,OU ÇA !!!!! Deux blondes se promènent en forêt. L'une dit : "Oh, regarde, des oiseaux morts !" L'autre regarde en l'air et fait : "où ça ?". Deux blonde se promènent, soudainement ; l'une s'écrit : - Oh ! Regarde un oiseau mort ! - Où ça ?! Demande l'autre en regardant le ciel. Une blonde se promène avec une amie. Soudain, celle-ci lui dit : - Oh, regarde ! Un oiseau mort ! La blonde lève alors la tête : - Où ça ? Où ça ? Une blonde et son amie(qui n'est pas blonde) se promènent dans un parc. Plus tard son amie dit : - «Regarde un oiseau mort!» Et la blonde lui répond en levant sa tête : - «Où ça» Το πεθαμένο πουλάκι Come si misura l’intelligenza di una bionda ? Le si infila un manometro in un orecchio. Perche’ la bionda ha attraversato la strada ?- Dimenticati la strada…. cosa stava facendo fuori dalla... Birgün dagda Temel ile Cemal yürürken Temel Cemal’e derki: - "Yahu Cemal paksana, kus ölmüs daa!" Cemal de havaya bakarak cevap verir: - "Ula Temel hanidur daa??" Uma morena e uma loira estavam passeando. A morena disse: - Veja, um passarinho morto! A loira olhou pra cima e perguntou: - Onde? Uma loira e uma morena, estavam passeando pela calçada, quando de repente a morena falou: - Olha um passarinho morto! Então a loira olhou para cima e disse: - Onde? Idą dwie blondynki przez park. Jedna mówi do drugiej: - Patrz, zdechły ptaszek. A druga patrzy w niebo i mówi: - Gdzie? Brunetka i blondynka idą przez park. Brunetka nagle mówi: "Och, popatrz na tego biednego zdechłego ptaszka!" Blondynka spojrzała na niebo i spytała "Gdzie?" En brunette och en blondin var ute och promenerade när brunetten plötsligt utbrister: - åhhh, titta en död fågel Varvid blondinen stannar och stirrar upp i lufte... Op straat loopt een dom blondje en een brunette. De brunette roept: “Kijk een dood vogeltje!” Waarop het domme blondje omhoog kijkt en zegt: “Waar dan?” Iemand zegt tegen een Limburger: "Kijk daar een dode vogel!" Waarop de Limburger naar de lucht kijkt en vraagt: "Waar dan?" En blondine og en brunette går en tur i parken. Pludselig siger brunetten: Ad! Prøv at se på den døde fugl! – Blondinen stopper, kigger op og siger: Hvor? To blondiner går tur på stranden. Pludselig siger den ene: "Guuuud, se en død måge!" "Hvor?" Siger den anden, mens hun kigger op luften. Død fugl En blondine og hendes kæreste var ude og gå en tur. Pludselig udbryder manden: - Ad, prøv at se den døde fugl der!!! Hvorefter blondinen kigger op og siger: - Hvor. Blondinen og brunetten En blondine og en brunette kom gående.... Lige pludselig siger brunetten: "SE! der ligger en død fugl" . Blondinen kigger op i himlen og siger: "Hvor, hvor!".... En brunette og en blondine kommer gående, og brunetten sier: - Se, der er en død fugl. Blondinen kikker opp og sier: - Hvor? Det var en gang to svensker som gikk på en vei så sa den ene: Titta, en död fågel. Da ser den andre svensken opp i lufta og sier: Var da? Det var en gang ei blondine og en brunette som gikk seg en tur, plutselig sier brunetten: – Åå, se på den døde fuglen. Og blondina såg opp mot himmelen og sa: – Hvor? Ei brunette og ei blondine var ute og gikk en tur i parken sammen. Plutselig ser brunetten en død fugl på bakken og sier "å se på den stakkars døde fuglen". Blondinen kikker opp i lufta og sier... Blondi ja brunette kävelevät puistossa. - Katso! Kuollut lintu! sanoo brunette Blondi katsoo ylös ja kysyy: - Missä? O blonda si o bruneta se plimbau in parcul Cismigiu. Bruneta : - Uite o pasare moarta! La care blonda ,uitandu-se pe cer ,spune : - Unde ,unde?? Memento mori O bruneta se adreseaza unei blonde: - Uite, draga, o pasare moarta... - Unde, unde, unde? intreaba blonda privind spre cer! O blonda si o Bruneta stau pe o banca in parc. - Uite o Pasare moarta, zice bruneta. - Unde? zice blonda, Uitandu-se pe cer.
Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes One-Liner Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes