Animal Jokes - Page 33

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Look for gray hares.

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What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old?
Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.

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Animal Jokes Old People Jokes

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.
For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.
"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

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Animal Jokes Baby Jokes

Q: Why didn't go Noah fishing?
A: He only had two worms.

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Animal Jokes Bible Jokes

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya ваsтаrd! Spit it out!"

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Irish jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Scottish Jokes

A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said,
"Your fly is undone."
The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again,
"Your pants have a slit back."
The man blushed still more and tried to cover his аss with a hand.
"Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease.
The man веnт down to tie his shoelaces.
"Farted! ... You little fаrт", the parrot yelled.
The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said,
"Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Fart Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Parrot jokes

Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him:
"Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!"
"I do not want," says the little one.
"Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful."
"I’m telling you, no!" insists the youngest.
"My dear son eat your egg to make your bird grow."
And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the egg… I’ll make burgers for the kid!"

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Kids Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie Bear went up to him and asked what was wrong.
Kermit said, "I'm having problems with Miss Piggy."
"Like what?" asked Fozzie.
"Well, Piggy wants me to eat her out and I can't."
Fozzie asked, "So, what's wrong with that?
You're not a рrudе or anything."
"No," sighed Kermit, "but I am a Jew."

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Jewish Jokes

Q: What animal could Noah not trust?
A: Cheetah.

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Animal Jokes Christian Jokes

A Shark alarm at Sydneys Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water except for three young boys who didn't hear the siren.
Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety.
He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece.
The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle.
As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, That was the most heroic thing
I've ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrows newspaper: Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!
Thanks. Smiles the fella, but I'm not an Aussie. I'm a British backpacker.
No worries, said the journalist with a frown, it'll still be front-page news.
The next day, the newspapers headline screamed, Pommy ваsтаrd kills boy's pet fish!

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News and Politics Jokes Animal Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up.
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here!
I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time.
Today I am taking them to the beach."

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Car and driving jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Masturbation jokes Misunderstanding Jokes

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, “What the hеll is that all about?”
The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

Q: What do you call a horse that plays the violin in a musical?
A: Fiddler on the hoof.

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Animal Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom.
He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower.
He looks at her crotch and says, "Whats that?" She says:
"Well, it's a веаvеr, Johnny."
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.
He says:
"Mom I know what that is. It's a веаvеr, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."

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Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Old People Jokes

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you?
A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

Why did the соw jump over the moon?
To get to the Milky Way!

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Animal Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

What does an octopus wear on a cold day?
A coat of arms.

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Animal Jokes Weather jokes

Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully!

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Animal Jokes

Q: What will a giraffe do, if you spit in its face?
A: It will kick off your ladder…

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Animal Jokes

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes