Criminal Jokes - Page 13

My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details.
“How much cash was in your wallet, sir?” asked the police officer.
“£800,” said Granddad.
“OK, sir,” said the police officer as he was leaving, “we’ll let you know if we find out anything.”
Granddad, I said, where did you get 800 pounds ? You don’t have that kind of money.
I know, said Granddad, but if they catch the сunт it’s my word against his.

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Rаре victims think they have it so bad, all they have to do is go home and have a shower plus they get the next day off work.
As a rарisт, I have to go home, have a shower, burn my clothes, create an alibi, frame my latest lock of victim’s hair, plus I have to get up for work in the morning.

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Office and Work Jokes Criminal Jokes

What do Muslims call any sixteen-year-old kid with an I. Q. over 80?
A smart bomb.

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Kids Jokes Criminal Jokes

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rаре case police line-up. …
As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted out, “Yep, dot’s her!”

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

In England, if you commit a сriме, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. … …
…
So, if you commit a сriме, the police will say “Stop, or I’ll say stop again.”

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

MSN News: ‘Men Who Rаре Will Be Named’
Cool, can I have ‘Nightstriker’ or has that already been taken?

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News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes

The Priest of a small village was very happy with his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At last, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a соск? To which all the men stood up.
“No,no,” he said, some what flustered, “that’s not what I meant. “Has anybody SEEN a соск?” All the women stood up.
“No, no,” he said. “Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a соск that doesn’t belong to them.” Half the women stood up.
“No, no,” He said, now thoroughly embarrassed “Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY соск?” All the choirboys stood up.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Criminal Jokes Priest Jokes Superhero Jokes

My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hеll did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

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Criminal Jokes Dad Jokes Grandparent Jokes

My friend has just been caught stealing in Saudi Arabia for the second time, which is grim.
But on the bright side, nobody can call him a wan-ker anymore

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Friendship Jokes Criminal Jokes

Backseat drivers are the worst. They’re always like “the light is red!” and “don’t text and drive!” and “oh god, I think that was a person!”

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God Jokes Criminal Jokes

“A three-year-old girl in the US state of California has accidentally shot her younger brother dead with a gun found in her home, say police. ”
The thing is, this tragic event could have been averted had the parents had the foresight to buy the younger brother his own gun so he could defend himself.

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Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

I said to a mate at work, “My son is so fuскing sтuрid. Yesterday he stole my next door neighbour’s phone and got caught.”
He said, “Did the police do a trace on it?”
I said, “No, they followed the cable to my house.”

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

Some people are so strange.
They’ll happily accept your friend request on Facebook, but won’t even acknowledge you when you’re parked outside their house all day.

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Facebook Jokes Friendship Jokes Criminal Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all escape from prison. They hear the cops coming so they each climb a tree.
The cops come and shine flashlights in the trees.
They shine a light on the tree with the brunette and she goes "whoo whoo" like an owl.
They shine the light in the redhead's tree, she goes "Tweet Tweet" like a bird.
They shine the light on the blonde’s tree... "Moooooo".

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Blonde Jokes Criminal Jokes

(Dumb Criminal) Never pick the pocket of a guy wearing a wedding ring!
(Trainee) Why, because he’s a family man and needs the money?
(Dumb Criminal) No, because his wife already beat you to it.

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes

I was at the park today by the playground.
A mother asked me which kid was mine.
“I haven’t decided yet.”.

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Kids Jokes Criminal Jokes

Just heard on the news about the 1993 luggage мurdеr. Apparently the police are reopening the case

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News and Politics Jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

Just saw this group on facebook:
“Меnsтruатiоn, menopause, mental breakdowns… Ever noticed how all womens problems begin with men?”
No. All womens’ problems begin with opening their mouths and saying sтuрid things like that.

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Men jokes Facebook Jokes Criminal Jokes

Scientists have discovered that some fish have реdорhilе tendencies.
Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school.

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School Jokes Criminal Jokes

My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.
She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is….. Purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Jokes about Women Criminal Jokes