Dark Humor Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people.

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When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

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Whats worse then a barrel of dead babies?
There is one at the bottom that is still alive.
Whats worse then that?
He has to eat his way out.
Whats worse then that?
He goes back for more.

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A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

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Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

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How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

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What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday?
He ate himself.

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A guy walks in the local whоrеhоusе, says "I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money."
The guy behind the counter says "How bout the $1.95 cent special?"
The customer says "ok", and he paid, headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, "омg she's sick."
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happe ning, and the guy says "hey Joe! The dead one's full again!"

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Q: What did one female terrorist say to the other?
A:
"Does my bomb look big in this?"

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First Cannibal:
"Who was that girl I saw you with last night?"
Second Cannibal:
"That was no girl, that was my supper."

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Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead.
I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.

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What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity!

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A bunch of new recruits are making their first parachute jump.
The sergeant gives instructions:
"After you jump out of the plane, count slowly to 10.
Your parachute will automatically open.
If it doesn't, pull the emergency cord.
When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base.
Move out!"
As scared as they are, they all make it out the door.
The last recruit jumps out and slowly counts to 10 -- nothing.
He frantically fumbles around and finds the emergency handle.
He jerks on the cord, and it comes off in his hand.
Raising his head to the heavens, he screams, "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"

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Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.

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Why did the boy fall off the swing?
He didn't have any arms.

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The judge asks the murderer:
Why did you кill that old lady?
For money..
But you got only 20 cents
Yes, but killing five of them would already make a dollar.

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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died."You know,"
Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

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You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

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A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club.
He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy.
The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.
The golfer agrees and takes out the robot.
While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.
The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.
He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore.
The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.
The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.
The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?
The golf pro said that they did paint them into black robot caddies, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

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In a monastery senior sister announces to other sisters:
I have a good and a bad news for you.
The good one is that they have broughts to use a lot of carrots.
All the sisters start whistling happily.
But one of them asks:
What are the bad news?
Carrots came grated.

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