Jokes about Dogs

Would you rather have a 250 pound dog chase you or a lion?
Um… I’d rather he chased the lion.

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Go on, ask a dog how’s life.
He’ll most likely answer, „Ruff! “

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon.
A customer walks up to him and says, “It’s not often that I see a dog drinking bourbon here!”
The dog sniffs, “Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices.”

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

Why do men chase after women they don’t intend to marry?
Well why do dogs chase after cars they don’t intend to drive?

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

A dog thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… They must be gods…”
The cat thinks, “Wow, the humans are bringing me food every day, they have me live in a nice house away from the cold, they take care of me… I must be God!”

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Pet Jokes Cat jokes Dog jokes

Why do dogs liск their butts?
Because nobody will do it for them.

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a Sаinт Bernard’s?
A dog that bites you and then goes to fetch help.

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

A good idea for a sign:
“Salespeople welcome – dog food has become really expensive”

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

What do you do when you see a dog eating your dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

What creature has four legs and one hand?
A happy Rottweiler returning from his morning walk.

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes Dark Humor Jokes

What looks like a dog, lives in a dog house, eats dog food and is extremely dangerous?
A Rottweiler with a black belt in karate.

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

What market shouldn't you take your dog to?
The flea market.

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

Why did the dog lie down?
He found lying up a little hard.

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

Dogs are the best alarm clocks.
When they want out, there’s no snooze button that could tame that.

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Pet Jokes Dog jokes

“They say the dog is man's best friend.
I don't believe that.
How many of your friends have you neutered?”
- Larry Reeb

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Pet Jokes Funny Quotes Dog jokes

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, Muldoon; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Would ya’ be thinkin’ €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

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Animal Jokes Irish jokes Dog jokes Priest Jokes

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Dog jokes

You're not gonna win, but that's all you're thinking about is winning, right? You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Wine jokes Dog jokes

A post man had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from 1 last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it 2 miles down a small country road . By the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore. He entered the garden, closed the gait and turned round to be greeted by to huge paws landing on his chest . There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him ( did his вuм go boo or what!). He was terrified , just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said” don’t worry sonny just kick his ваlls”. He said”what!”, she said kick his ваlls he likes that”. This post man had on regulation size 12 military steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs , he went WALLOP and booted dog square in the ваlls, the dog went ” how, how , how houuuuuuuu” and collapsed with its knees knocking together. The old lady said ” your in fcukin trouble now”. He said “why” she said I meant his ваlls on the grass beside you !”.

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Masturbation jokes Dog jokes

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy, while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I have been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes Dog jokes