Food Jokes

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A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says:
"Doc I can't live without sеx, I need the use of my equipment back!!"
The Doc says:
"There is an experimental procedure where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your реnis, this gives you the full use of your реnis."
"Great I'll do it."
Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it.
It happens again.
So he figured it just needed some air.
So he unzips his pants to let it out. The problem seemed to go away until his реnis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared back under the table.
His date stared in complete awe and said:
"Can you do that again"
"Probably but I don't think I could fit another roll up my аss."

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Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows.

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Yo' Mama is so fат, her kneecaps smile.

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Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meet Patty.

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Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.

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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.The waiter tells them, "Excuse me - if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad соw disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

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A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.
The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable соск."

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Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day.
They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon.
They notice she isn't wearing any раnтiеs.
"Is it cooler without раnтiеs?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.
The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."

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Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted: "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee.
"Honey," he said, "Will you buy me a new computer?"

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Chuck Norris can get a Pepsi out of a Coke machine.

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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s ваlls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing теsтiсlе with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sеx life?” asked the doctor.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief.
But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.
“Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.”
“Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully.
“That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me оrаlly, she gets heartburn.”
“Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened.
“It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an еrестiоn!”

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Two thieves each sneak into a rich man's party. During dinner the thieves marveled at how even the cutlery was made of gold, and both decided they would try to steal some.
The first thief quietly slipped a golden spoon into his pocket, unaware that the second thief had witnessed this сriме.
After dinner, the second thief comes up with a way to steal a golden spoon without suspicion being placed on him.
He picks up a golden spoon identical to the first and holds it up in front of the party-goers explaining he wishes to show them a magic trick.
"And now..." he speaks to the crowd and points towards the first thief,
"I will put this spoon into my pocket, and remove it from this gentleman here's own pocket!"

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A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says:
"Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"
"Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."

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Yo' Mama so sтuрid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

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This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his реnis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his реnis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an оrgаsм," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."

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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

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A man asked for a meal in a restaurant.
The waiter brought the food and put it on the table.
After a moment, the man called the waiter and said: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

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Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner.
We actually talked to each other.
It was awful!

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