Food Jokes - Page 14

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food."
the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along!
And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!"
the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father:
"Dad, how many kinds of воовs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the son asks.
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks:
"Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says,
"Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his реnis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes: Dead from the root up, and the ваlls are just for decoration.”

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Christmas Jokes Dad Jokes Boob Jokes

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

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Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Africa Jokes Military Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

Yo Momma's so fат, when she goes to Taco Веll, they run for the border!

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Yo Momma Jokes Food Jokes Fat Jokes

Q: What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
A: He went down really well!

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Cannibal Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes Funny Poems

They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach.
But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

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Dark Humor Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Love Jokes

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

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Food Jokes

A woman is very overweight and goes to see a weight therapist.
The woman asks for some good advices.
The therapist answers like this: "Well you just need to turn your head to the right and to the left when someone asks you if you want to eat at McDonalds."

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Diet and Weight Loss Jokes Jokes about Women Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Communication Jokes

A man walked out to the street and caught a black taxi just going by:
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said. "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time!"
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody!"
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right!"
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan!"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fuскing widow!"......

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Food Jokes Computer Jokes Men jokes Wine jokes Golf jokes Single People Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sеxy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Why So Much Milk?
A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake. When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman."Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?""No," says the woman. "Up to my тiтs will be fine."

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Looking Good Jokes Jokes about Women Food Jokes Boob Jokes

Q: Where do one-legged people eat?
A: IHOP.

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Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

The world is like a jar of jelly beans.
Everybody hates the black ones.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Food Jokes Black People Jokes

A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?

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Animal Jokes Food Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!

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Easter Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Sweet candies are nice to eat, sweet words are easy to say, but sweet people are hard to find.
Oh my God!
How did you find me?

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Religion jokes God Jokes Food Jokes Flirt jokes

Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?"
And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"

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Parent Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Dad Jokes

Hey girl, your body reminds me of Mcdonalds, because I'm loving it!

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Food Jokes Flirt jokes Beauty Jokes Love Jokes

What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.

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Cannibal Jokes Food Jokes