A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?""Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours." 37 0 0
Chuck Norris does not eat.Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body. 37 0 0
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same. 36 0 0
- ¿ Mamá la luz se come? - Mamá.. Mamá,¿la luz se come? - No hija, porque me lo preguntas. - Porque Papa le esta diciendo a la criada; apaga la luz y métetela en la boca. - Mamma, kan man äta glödlamporna? - Det är ju klart att man inte kan. - Men mamma, du sa ju till pappa igår: Släcker du lampan tar jag den i munnen. De juffrouw vraagt in de klas: “Wat is het grootste ding dat je in de mond kunt stoppen?” Jantje steekt zijn vinger op en zegt: “Een schemerlamp, juffrouw!" "Dat kan toch helemaal niet,” zegt de... -Mamá, dime, ¿tú puedes coger la lámpara con la boca? - ¡Pero, hijo, qué pregunta más tonta me estás haciendo! - Pues yo le he oído muy bien a la criada lo que le estaba diciendo a papá: si tú... Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?""Bread""Yes" "Hamburger""Ok"A five years girl answered "Light","Омg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?""Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'". 36 0 0
Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and кill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer. They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside. He is gone for a long time.When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a вееr, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses.""Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks.The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig." 36 0 0
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing."These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!" 36 0 0
I was eating and enjoying my food when a man entered into the restaurant where i was eating with a brief case. I guess he is a politician cause his dressing and рот belly portrays it. He walked and sat down as every body looked at him. Suddenly a woman came to him and started crying.The woman knelt down and told him that her children die of hunger since her husband died. This man opened the brief case and gave this woman five thousand dollars.The woman jumped up and left the scene in happiness. I was still watching when another man started crying and came to him. He knelt down and begged him that he need a money to establish a business.This man brought out three hundred thousand dollars cheque and gave it to this man.This time, i started murmuring and practicing on the lie i will вlоw to have my own national cake. I started crying and came to the man. Immediately i knelt down, I heard "Cut! cut! cut!". I turned and saw the laughing director of the movie.Shame almost killed me. 36 0 0
What did the egg say to the boiling water?"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago." 36 0 0
The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen."That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!" 36 0 0
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, вlоwjов?A: The вlоwjов. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a вlоwjов. 36 0 0
Was sagt ein blinder Mann, der einen Fischladen betritt? "Hallo Mädels." What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies. Един слепец обикаля из Парижките улици. Минава покрай рибарски магазин. Спира се. Подушва леко въздуха. Прави реверанс към витрината и казва с лека усмивка: "Добър вечер, момичета " C'est un aveugle qui passe à côté d'une poissonnerie. - Salut les brunes ! Kommt ein Blinder in einen Fischladen. Dann sagt er: "Hi Mädels!" A blind man walked into a fish market and said, "Hello ladies!" Un orb trece prin fata unei pescarii, isi scoate palaria si zice: - Buna ziua, doamnelor! One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!" 36 0 0
Māte raksta dēlam uz cietumu: - Dēliņ. Pēc tam,kad tevi iesēdināja, es vairs nezinu,ko iesākt. Ar saimniecību galā neitku,dārzu uzrakt nevaru, kartupeļi nav iestādīti... Dēls atbild: - Mamm, dārzā... Milicijoje Kovos su grobstymais ir spekuliacija skyriuje suskambėjo telefonas: - Komjaunimo gatvės 38 namo kieme sukrauti rąstai. Rąstuose paslėpti auksiniai cariniai rubliai ir deimantai... -... Звъни се в полицията: Звъни телефона в КГБ. В полицията звъни телефона: Ѕвони телефонот во полицијата се јавува цајканот и слуша: An old man lived alone in Tasmania. Το τηλέφωνο χτυπά στα κεντρικά της KGB. - Εμπρός.. - Εμπρός, είναι εκεί η KGB; - Μάλιστα, σε τι μπορούμε να σας εξυπηρετήσουμε; - Τηλεφωνώ για να σας πω ότι ο γείτονάς μου Yankel Rabinovitz είναι εχθρός του κράτους. Κρύβει παράνομα διαμάντια μέσα στα κούτσουρα που έχει για την φωτιά. -... The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?" "Yes. What can we do for you?" "I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood." "Thank you, this will be noted." Next day, the Drug... Oddział terenowy Centralnego Biura Śledczego w Nowym Targu, dzwoni telefon: - Słucham - Dobry... kciołem podać,że Jontek Pipciuś Przepustnica chowie w stogu drzewa maryhuanę. - Dziękujemy za doniesienie, zajmiemy się tym. - Kolejnego dnia zjawiają się na podwórku u Przepustnicy żądni... Sovyetler Birliği'nin ayakta olduğu dönemler. KGB'ye ihbar geliyor: - "Komşum Salamon bir haindir. Devletten elmaslarını saklamak için onu odunluktaki odunların içlerine gizledi." KGB anında baskın... Пише мама синові в тюрму: — "Синку, мені так важко самій, треба картоплю посадити, а нема кому навіть город скопати." — "Мамо, ні в якому разі не копайте город! Там я дещо закопав! Бо вас посадять... Trabzonda yaşlı bir adam yaşardı. Domates ekimi için bahçeyi bellemesi gerekiyordu, lakin bu çok zor bir işti. Tek oğlu olan Temel ona yardım edebilirdi, fakat o da hapisteydi. Yaşlı adam oğluna... Egy fickó feljelentést tesz a rendőrségen: - A szomszédom udvarán 15 köbméter fa van! - De uram, ez nem bűn. - De ő Németországból hozta! - Ha nem szemét, akkor ez sem bűn. - De úgy tudom, hogy a... Csörög a telefon a KGB központjában: - Szeretném bejelenteni, hogy Igor Szergejevics a rendszer ellensége. Gyémántokat rejteget a tűzifájában! A KGB azon nyomban kiszáll Szergejevics házához,... Itic suna la Securitate: - Alo, vedeti ca Strul are niste lemne ! - Si ce e cu asta? - A gaurit si a introdus in fiecare lemn bijuterii, Diamante, dolari si, probabil, ceva munitie adusa din... An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would sраdе up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply."For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." 36 0 0
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables." 36 0 0
Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years. 36 0 0