Friendship Jokes

At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father.
"Okay," the boy said.
"Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.... AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.

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To help calm my fear of flying, my friend told me that there is more chance of dying from slipping over in the shower than dying in an aeroplane crash.
So I was looking up the statistics on how many people die in showers.
Fuck, they must have had slippery showers during World War II.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Military Jokes Friendship Jokes

I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked,
"Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so "Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."

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Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes Friendship Jokes

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became so proud of what the car can do without mistakes.
One day, he wasn’t able to go out, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired.
The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said; “These are your children sir”. In the car was their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbours two sons.
The Wife said; Don’t tell me all these ones are your children?.
The man asked her calmly; Can you tell me why our children are not in the car? …=D

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Ten Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say …… ….
….
10. What do you mean today’s our anniversary? …
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. ….
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big. …
7. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! …
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends.” …
5. Honey, does this outfit make my вuтт look too small? …
4. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell ’em I’m not here.
2. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Sexist Jokes

There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “O. K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I. Q.
The mermaid says, “Done!”
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I. Q.”
And the mermaid replies, “Done!”
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I. Q.”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change other people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.
The guy replies, “No, I want to increase my I. Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t know what your asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else.. A million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I. Q. increased by five times it’s usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done!”
And with that, he became a woman!

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Math Jokes Sexist Jokes

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure exactly where I got it.

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Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes

One day, two little friends were walking home from school and kid #1 said,” I have noticed, in the morning while looking out my window that your father goes to work earlier than my dad, yet they work together... Why is that?" Then kid #2 not having a clear answer, replies "well, he goes early to swing on the gate!"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly.
My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.
After making some fixes, she asked,
"Is that okay now?"
"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Food Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two women who had just met at a health spa were talking about their lifestyles and how they hope to stay healthy. One asked the other to detail her daily routine.
“I eat moderately,” she replied, “I exercise moderately, I drink moderately, and I live moderately.”
“Is there anything else you do?” her new friend asked.
“Yes,” she said, “I lie extensively.”

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

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Kids Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two friends were walking home after a party and decided to take a
Shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
The cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
The misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
Chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy соw, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You
Scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
Doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Have a fisherman friend that is always exaggerating the size of the CATFISH he catches. I ask him what was the size of his latest catch.
He replied, "Five inches!"
"Five inches?" I asked. "Five inches is not a very large catfish."
"You didn't let me finish," he began, "five inches between the eyes!"

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Sports Jokes Friendship Jokes

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked,
"Hi, I'm the red jеrк of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said,
"Hi, I'm the green jеrк of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said,
"Let me guess. You're the blue jеrк of the highway. What do you want?"
"Registration and license please" came the reply.

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Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth.
One said,
"I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?"
She exclaimed, "I froze to death!"
The other said,
"That's terrible how'd it happen?"
"Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died.
She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack.
Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.

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Jokes about Women Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read:
"I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel... Collect... On which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his super-critical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry. After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"
"The one with short hair."
"Yes! How’d you know?"
"Because that’s the one I didn’t like."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. “What would you like Marty?” she asked. “I’m looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish.” He replied. “Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won’t like that dish.” Helen said. “What do you know,” answered Marty, “I’m getting it.” “Marty, I’m telling’ you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won’t like it!” Helen exclaimed. “I’m getting it and that is the last word!” says Marty.
A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, “Where are my eggs?”

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Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes

So there were 3 friends trapped on the desert.... They found a lamp that has a geni in it the geni said:I will give you 1 wish each the first guy wished to be home same with the second one the third man's wish is "I'm lonely I wish my 2 friends were here"

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes

An old man is talking to his friends. He says, “I’ve got my health, everything is fine, my mind, knock wood… who’s there?

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes