Friendship Jokes

Friend:I did your mom
Me:My mom dosn't do girl on girl action!

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Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

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Friendship Jokes Life Jokes

15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies
1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says,
"I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
And last but not least
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?”
They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. "Leave it to me," Bob says.
He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says,
"Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home."
"$1500? Tell him to drop dead!" snarls the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Bob.

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Single People Jokes

One man to his friend, what an automated society we live in.
Have you ever noticed that when a traffic light turns green, it automatically
Activates the horn of the car behind you?”

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes

It's an ad for Ex-Lax. It's about this chick, she's all bummed out 'cause she's constipated and can't hang out with her friends. That makes no sense, right, ladies? You're constipated so you can't hang out with your friends? I'm trying to picture myself in that situation. I'm like, 'Hey Phil, what's happening, dude? Uh, nope, can't kick it today. I gotta stay home and not take a sh*t. Yup, kind of an all day project I'm working on over here.'

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes

I was talking to a friend’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. …
…
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, … ‘If you were to be the President, what’s the first thing you would do?’ …
…
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’ …
…
‘Wow - what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. …
You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.’ … …
She thought that over for a few seconds, ’cause she’s only 6.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’
And I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Political Jokes Friendship Jokes

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said,
"I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

I was a compulsive gambler. I finally quit and told my best friend that I would never gamble again.
He turns to me and says,
"Wanna bet?"

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Friendship Jokes

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

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Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two friends are in the living room. The wife of one of them is in the kitchen. "Sweetheart, please, can you hand us the bottle of whisky?" he says. And then, again, "Sweetheart, and two glasses please?"
The other man stares at him and says,
"My gosh, how long have you been married?"
"Thirty years."
"Oh wow, and you still call her sweetheart?"
And the first whispers, "Well, I forgot what her name is!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, “They can’t do two things at once.”
At this, I interrupted and said, “Actually I can!”
“Give me an example,” she replied.
“Well, while I was fuскing you last night, I was thinking about your friend.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

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Friendship Jokes

This man says to his friend,” I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel."

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Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Why do tampons have no friends?
Because they’re stuck up kunts.

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Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.
"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:
"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

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Jokes about Women Little Johnny Jokes Friendship Jokes

There are three friends, Shut the hеll up, Your manners, and Bear Shiт. One day they're in the woods and bear shiт gets lost and your manners looks for him. Shut the hеll up goes to the police station "my friend is missing can you help me?" The officer says "what's your name?"
"Shut the hеll up"
"What?" Shut the hеll up"
"Say that again?" Shut the hеll up!"
"Son where's your manners?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you! He's out in the woods looking for bear shiт"

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

Ken sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Ken says,
"Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. But just in case you need to escape, there's a 'Bad Date Rescue App' you can install on your smartphone. Schedule your phone to ring just after you meet her and answer with, 'Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?' It works every time."
So that night, Mike knocks on the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how attractive and sеxy she is. He's about to speak when the girl's phone rings and she answers with, "Mom, what's the matter, are you okay?"

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Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

Two high school buddies decided once and for all to prove who was the faster swimmer. They picked a large stream near their old high school, and the first one to swim to the other side would be declared the winner. Harvey, a friend of Bill, the so-called underdog, had a plan.
"For some reason," Harvey explained to Bill's other rooters, "Bill loves jokes, and when he hears or reads good, funny jokes, it gets his adrenaline going, and nothing can stop him."
Harvey then grabs a joke book and hands it to Bill before the whistle blew to start the race. "And they're off!" the whistle blower shouted.
Halfway across, picking the winner was practically a no-brainer. "Bill's going to win!" yelled one.
"He's actually chuckling and giggling, reading that joke book while swimming to the slоре bordering the other side of the stream."
"What's he accomplishing by doing that?"
"He's laughing all the way to the bank!"

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Sports Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes

Once upon a time, a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him “you are driving me crazy Basheer”… ….
….
One day his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career…
The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city …
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform..
Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful …when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually she died…
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Basheer working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner……
(If you were thinking that Basheer became a doctor, its because you have been reading too many motivational forward messages.)

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes