God - Page 33

Wife: (Looking pleased and happy) “Look, dear. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.” ….
…..
Husband:
“For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!”

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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

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God Jokes Military Jokes

There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin looked at the second muffin and said,
"Man, it's getting hot in here!"
Then the second muffin looked at the first muffin.
"Oh my God! A talking muffin!"

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God Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down... Etc.
SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products..... Correct?
A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *
Ok.... A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a тамроn and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (T. O. M) I go back to the cupboard..... And VOILA.... There is only ONE тамроn left again. What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.
WELL..... I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD.... At the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.
I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????
I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G. I. Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles... What do YOU use them for?"
"Never mind!! Go play!!!!"

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"

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Kids Jokes God Jokes

Why did God create the оrgаsм? So women can moan even when they're happy.

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Jokes about Women God Jokes

My sister -- kind of on the huge side -- she weighs about 300 pounds, she's about 4'11". It's a pretty picture. We buy her clothes in those specialty stores for the вiggеr gal, like Lane Bryant. Clothes come in three sizes: Jumbo, Husky, and Oh My God It's Moving Towards Us.

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God Jokes Fat Jokes

Now they got this new thing called heavy metal gospel. Look, I love Jesus; I just don't want to be scared of him.

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God Jokes

Your momma so old God forgot her name

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God Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

The war against terrorism….
God’s way of teaching geography to Americans!

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God Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Military Jokes

A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.”
“What is HAGS” the man asks.
“It’s hеrреs, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor.
“Oh my God” says the man. “What are you going to do?”
“We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.”
“Is that going to help me” says the man.
“No” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door”

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Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

One day there was this old man that was walking down the road. About a mile down the road he heard sirens and a police officer was behind him. So he stops and the cop gets out of his car and asked the man why he was walking with one foot on the curb and the man said,
" O, thank God I thought I was сriррlе"

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes

Teacher: Why are you talking?
Little Johnny: Well God gave me a mouth so I'm allowed to use it.

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Little Johnny Jokes God Jokes

Pregnant woman calls her mum…………
“Hi Mum, I don’t wanna cause a panic but I’m out shopping and I think my waters have just broken”
- ” Oh my God!………Ok, just relax, now, where are you ringing from?”
“My fаnny to my ankles”

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher’s pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!” he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, “Point of information … snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

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I didn't know what they were. I turned it on, some woman's reading off sins -- I thought they were things to do in town.

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An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district.
“Hey, Handsome, how about it?”
“You’re joking,” says the 90-year-old, “I just can’t manage it any more.”
“Ah, come on,” says the whоrе, “it’ll be really nice.”
After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the whоrе’s bed he rides her like a fuскing god, giving her multiple real оrgаsмs and wearing her out. She can’t believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.
Wow, old man, says the whоrе, exhausted, that was such a great fuск. And you said you couldn’t manage it any more?
Oh I can still fuск, Honey, says the old geezer, it’s just that I can’t pay.

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God Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

A married man’s prayer
Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.
You gave me youth and you took it away.
You gave me a wife………. Its been years now, I’m just reminding you.

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

I have no money. I'm terrible with money. I always give money to people on the street. I passed by this homeless guy, and he was out there calling out to everyone, trying to get everyone to give him money. And he's doing this, he's going, 'Give money to the homeless. Give money to the homeless 'cause you don't know, one day it might be you.' And I was like, 'Oh my God.' And I was about to give him some change, and then I was like, 'Maybe I should hang on to this.'

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Money jokes God Jokes

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues:
“And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her воwеl will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fсuкing with you, she’s dead.”

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