God - Page 34

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees, “Donald Trump Suскs” written in urinе across the snow. ….
….
Well, he’s is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the dамn front lawn! And they wrote it in urinе! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dаммiт, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says:
“Well, Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urinе and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urinе.”
Trump says “Oh my God, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Dамn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

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The Texas Preacher
The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Brad Pitt, the film actor and every woman’s heartthrob. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn’t been to service lately.
He went to the first lady’s house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, “Oh my God, it’s Brad Pitt!”
“No ma’am,” he replied. “I’m your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you.” So she said, “come right on in.”
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Brad Pitt. Then he came to a young widow woman’s house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. “Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “It’s Brad Pitt!” And the preacher said,
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“Hello, Darlin!!”

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Jokes about Women Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes God Jokes

I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.

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Money jokes God Jokes Christmas Jokes

There are some people that are not fun people to go out and eat with. There's a type of person, wherever you go out, they want a bite of whatever you have. You know who you are. And they always lie, like, 'What is that? I've never had that before. No, I swear to God, I never had that. Give me a bite of that would you? What is that? A ham-burger? I've heard of that. Give me half of that.'

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God Jokes Food Jokes

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sеx life. Man was horrified “Only twenty years of normal sеx life?” but the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “Ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly. “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sеx life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an аss of himself.

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Religion jokes God Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. “How did you get on tonight Dear?” asked her mother. “Not too good,” replied the daughter. “I only got $20 for a вlоw job.”
“Wow!” said the mother, “In my day we gave a вlоw job for 50 cents!”
“Good God!” said the Grandmother. “In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!”

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God Jokes

Now that's an extreme religion: Amish. Oh my God, it's against their religion -- it's a sin for them -- to ride in a car. Then I heard an Amish guy got hit and killed by a car. Isn't that ironic? That would be like a Jewish person being electrocuted by some Christmas lights or a Catholic choking on a соndом -- just ironic.

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Religion jokes God Jokes Dirty jokes Christmas Jokes

Little johnny is watching his father, a minister, prepare his Sunday sermon. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"Preparing my sermon for tomorrow" his father answers.
"But how do you know what to write?" asks little johnny.
"I write what God tells me," was the reply.
Little johnny thinks about this for a second and then asks, "So why do you keep on crossing out?"

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Religion jokes Little Johnny Jokes God Jokes

Sреrм 1: God I’m getting tired! How long ’til we reach the fallopian tubes? …..
…..
Sperm 2: Still a long way to go………. We’ve only passed the tonsils.

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God Jokes Sex Jokes

Thank God the American Elections are over.
Now the rest of the world can go back to hating their own politicians.

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God Jokes Political Jokes

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which the oldest profession was. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

If God didn’t want people to jack-off why did give us long arms?

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Religion jokes God Jokes

Whether it’s evolution or God’s design,…
It’s evident that men grow ear hair to drown out the nagging.

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes

There is a guy who wants to go ice fishing, so he goes to the ice and cuts a hole in it.
He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
He leaves and goes to another spot on the ice.
He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
Baffled, the guy asks, "Is this God?"
The voice responds, "No, this is the announcer!"

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Sports Jokes God Jokes

Diск Clark went to a psychic. She told him, in a previous life, he was Diск Clark.

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God Jokes

You're proof that god has a sense of humor.

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God Jokes

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him:
“Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news for you.”
“Give me the bad news first, Doc.” says the patient. “I’m afraid that we accidentally cut your ваlls off during surgery, son.”
“Oh my god!” the patient cries, breaking into tears.
“But the good news”, the doctor adds, “is that we had them biopsied and you’ll be relieved to know that they weren’t malignant.”

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News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Here's a big thing if you're dating or in a relationship: for God's sake, communicate with one another. It's so essential to any good relationship. Let me tell you what happened in my relationship. Six months into the relationship, I find out she only speaks Spanish.

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Relationship Jokes

I’m a virgin for religious reasons… God made me really ugly.

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Religion jokes God Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes