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Gross Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
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What do Mario LeMieux and Courtney Love have in common?
They both shower after three periods!
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Q: Did you hear about the annoying мidgет who went to a nudist colony?
A: He kept getting in everyone's hair.
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One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone РISSING on his Ferrari.
"Hey," says the man. "Why are you рissing on my Ferrari?"
"Because I feel like it."
"Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari."
"Whatever."
So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour.
Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up.
"I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?"
"It's easy," says the running man, "when your d**k is stuck in the door."
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A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit one of his buddies.
As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick.
Curious, he asks:
"What are you doing?"
The guy replies:
"I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot."
Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall.
He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf.
Curious, he asks:
"What are you doing?"
The guy replies:
"I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf."
Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall.
He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nudе with a jar of peanuts beside him.
This guy takes a peanut, places it on his diск, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth.
Again, curious he asks:
"What are you doing?"
The guy replies:
"I'm fuскing nuts!"
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Another name for a vаginа is a cockpit
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A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one and asked,
"How'd you get such lovely blonde hair"
Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered, "It's natural."
The guy walked by the second girl and asked,
"How'd you get such pretty brown hair?"
Fluffing her hair, the second girl said,
"It's natural."
Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked,
"How'd you get such cool green hair?"
Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said,
"It's natural."
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Did you hear about the мidgет that went into the whоrеhоusе?
He got a тwат in the face.
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Two cannibals are eating dinner, and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles then."
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Did you here about the man that died from eating Rocky Mountain Oysters?
The bull must have drug him a mile!
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Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar?
A: There's a string hanging out of your Вlооdy Mary.
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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
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How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it’s head.
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A man goes to the doctor about the size if his реnis.
He says to the doctor "My реnis is too small."
Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your реnis will grow an inch."
So the man thanks the doctor and leaves.
He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his реnis grew an inch.
Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy.
A thousand apologies, he реnis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long реnis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirтy movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker.
"Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"
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What do you call hemorrhoids on a fаg?
Speed bumps.
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Трима вампири сядат в кафене. Βρυκόλακες Το τσάι Trois vampires se retrouvent à un bar. Le premier commande un verre de sang chaud. Le deuxième commande un verre de sang froid. Le troisième commande un verre d'eau chaude. Les deux autres le regardent tout étonnés. Dracula entre dans un bar de vampires et demande au serveur : C'est trois vampires qui sont dans un bar. Le premier vampire commande un verre de sang chaud.Le deuxième commande un verre de sang froid. Le troisième commande un verre d'eau chaude! Les deux autres le regardent et lui pose la question : - Pourquoi un verre d'eau chaude ? Le troisième répond -... Един ден двама вампири влезли в бар. Първият казал: - Чаша топла кръв, ако обичате. - Веднага - отвърнал барманът. - А вие? - Чаша гореща вода - обадил се вторият вампир. След няколко минути барманът се върнал с чаша топла кръв и гореща вода и казал: - Вие сте вампири, нали? Щом пиете кръв...... Een Nederlandse, een Belgische en een Duitse vampier zitten in een vampierenbar. "Ober!" roept de Nederlandse vampier, "één glas vers bloed alstublieft." En hij krijgt het. "Ober!" roept de... Eine Vampirdame setzt sich an eine Bar und sagt zu dem Barkeeper: "Ich hätte gerne eine Tasse mit heißem Wasser." Der Barkeeper fragt erstaunt: "Wieso wollen sie denn Wasser? Sie sollten lieber... Drei Vampire treffen sich in einer Bar. Einer kommt aus Deutschland, einer aus Russland und einer aus England. Der Deutsche bestellt sich ein Bier mit ’nem Schuss Blut und der Russe einen Wodka mit... Ein Vampir geht in eine Bar und bestellt sich ein heißes Glas Wasser.Da fragt der Wirt neugierig: "Hmm, warum wollen sie heißes Wasser und kein Blut?" Da holt der Vampir einen blutigen Tampon... Sitzt ein Eglischer Vampir in einem Kaffe und bestellt eine Tasse heißes Wasser holt einen benutzten Tampong aus der Tasche und sagt genüslich i’ts Tea Time Zwei Vampire gehen in ein Restaurant. Der Eine bestellt sich eine Schale Blut, der andere nur ein Glas heißes Wasser. Daraufhin der Eine zum Anderen: „Wieso bestellst du nur ein Glas heißes... A vampire goes into to the bar and and for a glass of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you guys only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "We do, I'm making tea." Van tres vampiros a un bar a tomarse algo en pleno mes de agosto, va el primero y le dice al camarero: - ¡Camarero!, ponme un vaso de granizado de sangre que me muero de calor. El segundo le dice:... There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar and asked the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender asked what for, because everyone else was drinking blood. The vampire pulled out... Trzy wampiry wchodzą do baru. Pierwszy z nich siada, a barman pyta: - Czego sobie życzysz? - Setę krwi! Drugi wampir siada, barman pyta: - A co dla Ciebie? - Dwie kolejki! Trzeci siada, barman... 3 vampires se retrouvent dans un bar lugubre, en hiver, il fait froid.... Le premier demande: - "Un grand verre de sang bien chaud, s'il vous plaît!" le deuxième demande: - "un grand verre de sang... Kolme vampyyriä meni baariin. Ensimmäinen tilasi pienen lasillisen verta, toinen tilasi ison lasin verta. Kolmas vampyyri pyysi kupillisen kuumaa vettä. Kaksi muuta vampyyriä ihmettelivät asiaa ja... 3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?” The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water... 3 vampieren stappen een caf� binnen. De eerste vampier bestelt een glaasje A negatief en hij drinkt het op. De tweede bestelt een glaasje O negatief opgewarmd. De derde bestelt een glaasje kokend... A vampire walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "A cup of boiling water, please." The bartender, confused and scared, walks up with the water and says, "I thought vampires drank... Alcuni vampiri stanno bevendo un drink al loro bar. Entra Dracula e chiede al barista: “Una tazza di acqua bollente”. Il barista e gli altri vampiri lo guardano male. Allora lui tira fuori un...
The bartender looks a little worried, but asks him what would he like.
"A cup of boiled water please"
"Water? I thought you guys drank blood"
"Today I was in the mood for tea", says the vampire while taking out a тамроn.
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Q: What's the difference between a cook and a gаy?
A: The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gаy stirs yesterday's dinner.
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Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?"
After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.
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Two flies sit on a pile of роор. One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey, do you mind? I'm eating here."
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Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urinе?
A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
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