Jokes about Bosses

Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP:
10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
7. Their proud boast, "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.

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One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the *“Three Chinese Tortures.”*

On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll endure whatever he has to. So he has his way with the daughter and retires to his room.

The next morning, he wakes to find a rock on his chest. There is a note on it, saying: *“FIRST CHINESE TORTURE: ROCK ON CHEST.”* The man laughs and throws the rock out the window.

Then he sees a sign on the nightstand that says: *''SECOND CHINESE TORTURE: LEFT ТЕSТIСLЕ TIED TO ROCK.”*

Instinctively, he goes flying out the window after the rock, but as he does, he spots a sign on the windowsill that proclaims: *“THIRD CHINESE TORTURE: RIGHT ТЕSТIСLЕ TIED TO BED POST.”*

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China Jokes Hotel Jokes Boss Jokes

Too Much Wrestling.
* You wonder why singers Sting, Wolf Blitzer, and Bryan Adams stole wrestlers' names
* You only come out of your room if your theme music is playing
* When your boss is рissing you off you kick him and give him a stunner
* You always end a speech with, ''That's the bottom line 'cuz John said so!'' or ''If you smellllll what John is cooking!''
* Your new wardrobe consists of more multi-colored bicep tassles, tights, and capes
* If there's one вееr left you suggest it should be suspended from the ceiling and the winner has to climb a stepladder to get it
* Whenever you see someone lying on the floor you get the urge to put him in the sharpshooter

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Sports Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Sincerely, Dean B. Reel

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School Jokes Military Jokes Boss Jokes

A little Native American boy asks his chief how babies in their tribe get their names.
The chief replies, "When a baby is born, the father takes him outside of the teepee, holds him over his head, and names him after the first thing he sees - like 'Running-Wolf' or 'Flying-Cloud'. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Sсrеwing?"

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News and Politics Jokes American Jokes Boss Jokes

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his son the way of the woods. He gets on the ground and hears a noise.
"Buffalo come."
"How do you know?"
"Ground shaky."
The boy wanted to try. He gets on the ground, listens.
"Man come."
"Is there a vibration?"
"No."
"Then how do you know?"
"Ground sticky."

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News and Politics Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Boss Jokes

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his managers but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse 'til finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she веnт over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, sack my cook.
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

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News and Politics Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor

An old lady approaches a police station and observes three women in hand cuffs waiting to go in.
The old lady asks one of the women, "Why are you in line?"
The woman looks at the other prostitutes, winks and says, "We're waiting in line for a free lollipop."
So the old lady gets in line for her free lollipop. The chief of police comes out to take the girls in and notices the old lady in line. Shocked, he says to the old lady, "'You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Let me tell you something, sonny," the old lady replies, "as long as they keep making them, I will keep suскing them!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Boss Jokes

A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. He sneezes again, unzips and wipes himself off with the handkerchief.
The woman says, "Sir, that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing condition that causes me to оrgаsм every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, says with sympathy, "Oh, you poor man. What do you take for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.

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Men vs Women Jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes

The Pope goes to New York.
He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' Chief: ''Like the president?'' Cop: ''More.'' Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''

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God Jokes Aviation Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost. Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version. Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever. Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program. Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down. Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday. Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail from god. Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.

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God Jokes Military Jokes Boss Jokes

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ''It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh.''
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ''This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how S**t Happens.

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God Jokes Boss Jokes

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

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Blonde Jokes Boss Jokes

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.
He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child.
The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken.
What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there.
All the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.
You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."

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School Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Baby Jokes Black People Jokes White people jokes Boss Jokes

I went to a pharmacy and asked for a black соndом.
Manager wondered and asked me, "why black sir?"
"My friend's husband died; I want to console her," I said.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Boss Jokes

One day, a guy decides to go ice fishing. He gets out onto the ice and starts making a hole with his ice augur. Suddenly he hears a booming voice say "there's no fish there!"
He looks around startled but doesn't see anyone.
He packs up and moves to another spot and starts working on a new hole.
Again he hears the booming voice "there's no fish there!"
He moves again and starts making a new hole and hears the voice again.
"There's no fish there!" it booms.
He looks up nervously.
"G-G-God? I-I-Is that... you?" he asks.
"No, it's the arena manager. Get the fuск out of here!"

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God Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Management Jokes Vulgar jokes Boss Jokes

People are saying that when Sir Alex Ferguson retires, Man Utd won’t be as good any more, and I think that’s absolute вullshiт.
Howard Webb still has a good few years left in him.
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If the world does end, I’m standing by Sir Alex Ferguson. That c*nt always seems to get an extra 10 minutes than everybody else.
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Manchester United have successfully renegotiated their contract with referee Howard Webb for next season.
Sir Alex Ferguson has said, “He’s on a no win, no fee basis.”
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Apparently Alex Ferguson received a red card in the tunnel from today’s referee Howard Webb.
It said ‘Happy Valentines day’ on the front.
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David De Gea’s attempt to hand in a transfer request has failed after he dropped it before he could get to Sir Alex Ferguson’s office
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Breaking News - Luis Suares has been arrested for the мurdеr of Whitney Houston. Eye witness Patrice Evra said he saw Suares кill her 10 times in the racially motivated attack. Sir Alex Ferguson has called for the death penalty. Kenny Daglish said he has never heard of Whitney Houston and has questioned whether she has ever actually existed. Referee Howard Webb saw it all.
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Sir Alex Ferguson is helping his Grandson with his maths homework.
“Grandad, what is 90 plus 3?”
“Not enough, that’s a fuскing disgrace!”, He screamed.
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Independent front page says Alex Ferguson will ‘let Rooney go’. My guess is to Juventus, he could never turn down the advances of an Old Lady.
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Alex Ferguson: “Michael, get your tracksuit off, son”
Michael Owen: “Am I going on to save the day, boss?”
Alex Ferguson: “No son… Giggsy’s getting cold.”
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Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Boss Jokes

The boss asks his employee, “Why aren’t you working?”.
The employee explains, “Sorry boss, I didn’t see you coming.”

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Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes

I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

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Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes

A boss announces to his staff:
“I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says:
“I’m offering 200!”

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Office and Work Jokes Boss Jokes