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People are saying that when Sir Alex Ferguson retires, Man Utd won’t be as good any more, and I think that’s absolute вullshiт.
Howard Webb still has a good few years left in him.
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If the world does end, I’m standing by Sir Alex Ferguson. That c*nt always seems to get an extra 10 minutes than everybody else.
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Manchester United have successfully renegotiated their contract with referee Howard Webb for next season.
Sir Alex Ferguson has said, “He’s on a no win, no fee basis.”
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Apparently Alex Ferguson received a red card in the tunnel from today’s referee Howard Webb.
It said ‘Happy Valentines day’ on the front.
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David De Gea’s attempt to hand in a transfer request has failed after he dropped it before he could get to Sir Alex Ferguson’s office
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Breaking News - Luis Suares has been arrested for the мurdеr of Whitney Houston. Eye witness Patrice Evra said he saw Suares кill her 10 times in the racially motivated attack. Sir Alex Ferguson has called for the death penalty. Kenny Daglish said he has never heard of Whitney Houston and has questioned whether she has ever actually existed. Referee Howard Webb saw it all.
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Sir Alex Ferguson is helping his Grandson with his maths homework.
“Grandad, what is 90 plus 3?”
“Not enough, that’s a fuскing disgrace!”, He screamed.
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Independent front page says Alex Ferguson will ‘let Rooney go’. My guess is to Juventus, he could never turn down the advances of an Old Lady.
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Alex Ferguson: “Michael, get your tracksuit off, son”
Michael Owen: “Am I going on to save the day, boss?”
Alex Ferguson: “No son… Giggsy’s getting cold.”
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Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and ваnging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
A blonde was shopping at Target &came across a shiny silver thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & tookit to the clerk to ask what it was.The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.''Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.Her boss saw it on her desk.'What's that,' he asked?'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold thingscold,' she replied..Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'The blonde replied......'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature. ” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an оrаl thermometer. ”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sеxuаl sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sеxuаl sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”
The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”
A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.
The husband says, “We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you.”
“Yes, dear, anything you want,” replies the wife.
“Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that.”
Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.
“I have been unfaithful three times,” she says.
“Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time.”
“I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?” he asks.
“The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?” she said.
“Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time.”
“Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short….”
Sam Frank and Frank Sam were best friends. They did everything together, and they both loved music. Sam Frank was an accomplished pianist and Frank Sam was a harpist. They spent many happy hours playing duets. They both happened to die on the same day.
Frank Sam went to heaven, but apparently Sam Frank led a life that was not as chaste, for he ended up in Неll. After a few weeks, Frank Sam began to miss his life long friend so he went to Sаinт Peter and asked if he could go down and visit him in Неll. Sаinт Peter, after much discussion agreed, but told Frank Sam he must be back before midnight. The Pearly Gates closed at the last strike of the clock, and if he wasn't back he would have to remain in Неll forever.
Frank grabbed his harp and went to visit Sam. When he got down there, he discovered that Sam Frank was doing OK in Неll. He was the manager of a disco. The two old friends had a wonderful time together. They spent the day playing duets, and that night, they danced and partied in the disco. Suddenly Frank Sam heard the clock begin to strike midnight. He ran out of the disco and flew back to heaven as fast as he could. He barely made it in before the gates closed.
Soon after he arrived, he gasped and desperately started searching for Sаinт Peter. When he found him, he told Sаinт Peter that he had to go back to Неll right away. When Sаinт Peter asked why, Frank Sam began to wail, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco..."
A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the "Butcher Dance."
"Butcher Dance? What's that?" he asks.
"What? You no see the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the "Butcher Dance" to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them.
After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance.
Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, "Maybe you can see it the next time."
"Well, when will you hold the next dance?" the researcher asks.
"Not 'til next year."
"Couldn't you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?"
"No," was the reply. "The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year."
The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out.
A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!"
George W. Bush and his VP running mate, Diск Cheney, were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of sтuрid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Cheney took George W. outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really sтuрid!"
"No kidding," replied George W., "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."