Boss Jokes

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Political Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor
Trump’s first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can’t do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan.
Trump: So what?
CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don’t care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can’t do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can’t do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can’t have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi’ite gov’t of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can’t do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can’t do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they’re gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of staff: If you do so we’ll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump: What the hеll should I do???
CIA: *Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!*
God bless America!
Political Jokes Office and Work Jokes God Jokes USA Jokes Friendship Jokes Russian Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor
Sardar goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths, the grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.
He asks Sardar to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Sardar goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Sardar finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Sardar to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food..
Next week Sardar comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Sardar, What the Fсuк is this?! Is this sh1t you Ваsтаrd?!?
And Sardar calmly replies: Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.
Ethnic and Racial Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Australia Jokes Dog jokes Boss Jokes
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician.
“In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”
Al párroco le estaban haciendo su cena de despedida por 25 años de trabajo en una Parroquia. Un político miembro de la comunidad fue invitado para dar un breve discurso. Como el político tardaba en... El párroco se estaba retirando después de 25 años a cargo de la parroquia y los feligreses decidieron ofrecer una cena de despedida en su honor. Se escogió a un destacado político local, miembro de... Numa pequena cidade do interior, havia um padre muito famoso. Certo dia, ele precisou ir embora e o povo da cidade resolveu fazer uma festa para ele. O prefeito iria fazer um discurso. Quando deu o... O padre Pedro, no jantar de despedida pelos 25 anos de trabalho ininterrupto à frente de uma paróquia discursa: — A primeira impressão que tive da paróquia, foi com a primeira confissão que ouvi. A... O padre encontra-se no jantar de despedida pelos 25 anos de trabalho ininterrupto à frente de uma paróquia numa pequena cidade. E discursa: — Quando aqui cheguei e ouvi a primeira confissão de um... След 15 години служба в енорията на отец Паскуале била организирана прощална вечер в негова чест. На тази вечер бил поканен и известен политик, който трябвало да произнесе кратко, благодарствено... Градоначалникот на општината требало да одржи говор на прослава по повод 15 годишнината од службата на општинскиот свештеник. Бидејќи градоначалникот доцнел, свештеникот решил да одржи краток говор...
Police Officer Jokes Religion jokes Money jokes Old People Jokes Political Jokes Cheating Jokes Priest Jokes Boss Jokes
From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:
The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinаl has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinаl trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.
"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to рiss on?"
Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes Military Jokes Boss Jokes
At a company party, the staff decided to have a little fun with their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the restroom, he left his wallet behind. They searched through it and found his lotto ticket. They wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, breathing really rapidly, and looking totally astonished.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to hеll, 'cos I've just won loads of money, and I'm leaving!"
Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Boss Jokes
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make a little over $400 dollars a week, why?

The CEO said,"Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that gооf-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"
Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Boss Jokes
A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
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