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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the-"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road-''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank:
'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank:
'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank:
'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank:
'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank:
'That might help...'
Family Member:
' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat. "Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance. "Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a соw. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor. "Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, sсrеwеd the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get sсrеwеd!"