Lawyer Jokes - Page 39

The Five Stages of Sеx … …
…
The first stage is Smurf sеx. This is where you do it until you’re both blue in the face. …
…
The second is Kitchen sеx. This is the honeymoon phase where you do it in every room of the house, including the kitchen. …
…
Third is Bedroom sеx. This is after you’ve been married for a while, maybe have a couple of kids, so you do it in the bedroom. …
…
Fourth is Hallway sеx. The marriage is going downhill and when you pass one another in the hallway you yell, “Fuск you!” …
…
The final stage is Courtroom sеx. This is where you go to court and your ex- wife and the lawyers sсrеw you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

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After suffering through years of his wife’s awful coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man snarled, “Here they are!”
“Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked.
“Grounds for divorce.”

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Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

Why are lawyers liable to go to hеll?
They are so full of lies it makes the devil blush.

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Lawyer Jokes

***Рunny News Headlines***
Metal fans keep cool at concert...
Limbo dancers reach new low....
Lawyer loses his case- Finds it in Car....
Cellmates complete each other sentences...
Global explorer finds himself....
Missing link found online....

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News and Politics Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Lawyer Jokes

And engineer died and when before St. Peter in heaven. St. Peter looked at his book and said "Oh, you belong with the devil."
After a few months in hеll the engineer met with the devil and said,
"You don't have anything here. I am an engineer and I can design buildings, air conditioning.. All kinds of things."
The devil said,
"OK... do it!"
When construction was complete the devil was very pleased. Then he gets a call from St. Peter who said,
"Do you remember that engineer we sent you? We made a big mistake. He is supposed to be in heaven."
The devil replied with a loud and forceful voice, "YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!"
St. Peter replied, "We will sue you!"
The devil started laughing. "What are you laughing about?" Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

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Religion jokes Lawyer Jokes

So 3 guys are sitting at a bar. Ones a doctor, ones a lawyer, and the others a biker. The doctor says,"Its me and my wife's anniversary. I'm going to get her a Porsche and a diamond ring!"
"Oh yeah?" Questions the lawyer,"Well its me and my wife's anniversary too. I'm going to get her a Mercedes-Benz and a pearl necklace!" The Biker, rather lazy, says,"Oh yeah? Well its me and my old bag's anniversary also. Ima get her a T-Shirt and a viвrатоr. So if she doesn't like the T-Shirt, she can go fuск herself!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Lawyer Jokes

After her conviction of мurdеr in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey - after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D. A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.

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Lawyer Jokes

Two lawyers, partners in small practice, close the shop and go to lunch. Suddenly the first lawyer says,
"I forgot to lock the safe!"
"Easy, easy," his partner soothed. "We're both here, aren't we?"

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Lawyer Jokes

What’s the diferrence between a rat and an immigrant?
Rats find it easier to get jobs in politics or to become lawyers.

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Political Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Fresh out of Yale and having just passed the BAR exam, Bobby was sitting in his first interview with a prestigious law firm CEO.
Ceo:
"I see that you are fresh out of Yale, have just passed the BAR exam, and have an excellent academic record with A's in every course. But what we are looking for is someone with a few years of real-world experience."
Bobby thought for a moment and replied:
" Well that's okay, I actually I went to college for art, I found that resume' online, and I made up the story about taking the BAR exam.
Ceo:
"So what you're saying is you tell creative lies that stretch the truth though research and story telling?"
Bobby:
"Umm.... I guess?"
Ceo:
"Can you start work on Monday?"

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Office and Work Jokes Lawyer Jokes

My brother just got married. I went to the wedding in Israel, where he lives. He lives there because he's studying to become a rabbi. He's already a certified public accountant and a lawyer, apparently attempting to become a Jew cubed, going for the very rare Hebrew hat trick.

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Some of the Stupidest Things Lawyers and Witnesses Actually Said In a Court of Law
~~~~~~~~~~
* Accused, (Defending His Own Case “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”
( The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.)
~~~~~~~~~~
* Lawyer:
“What is your date of birth?”
* Witness:
“July 15th.”
* Lawyer:
“What year?”
* Witness:
“Every year.”
~~~~~~~~~~
* Lawyer:
“Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
* Witness:
“There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
* Lawyer:
“Can you identify the rifle?”
* Witness:
“Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
* Lawyer:
“And what did the writing say?”
* Witness:
“‘Winchester’!”
~~~~~~~~~~
* Lawyer:
“What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
* Witness:
“Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”

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Lawyer Jokes

A juvenile court was prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary. The judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
"Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor."
"Linda Jones, probation officer."
"Sam Clark, public defender."
"John," said the teen who was on trial. "I’m the one who stole the truck."

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Office and Work Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Death comes to take a lawyer away.
The lawyer cries and pleads, "Why so early? I am only forty!"
Death replies,
"Not according to the hours you billed."

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Lawyer Jokes

A man dressed in an expensive suit walks into a bar with a briefcase under one arm and an alligator under another. He puts both down on the barstools next to him and sits down and asks the bartender, “Hey, do you serve lawyers here?” …
…
The bartender says, “Yes, sir, we sure do, what’ll ya have?”
The man replies. “Get me a вееr. The alligator will have a lawyer.”

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Lawyer Jokes

What is the favorite pastime for Retired Lawyers?
Ambulance chasing!
- ---- Old Habits Die Hard-----

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Lawyer Jokes

What do you call ?
A Sindhi lawyer?
Case-wani
A Sindhi lawyer after a case?
Purse-wani
A blue-skier Sindhi?
Akash-wani
What is a communist Sindhi called?
Lalwani.
What is a Sindhi who falls from the first floor called?
Thadani.
What is a Sindhi who falls from the 17th. floor called?
Kriplani.
What is a Sindhi who falls from the 30th. floor called?
Marjani.
What is the most noteworthy contribution of the Sindhis’ to Hindustani Music? Raga Kirvani.
A God fearing Sindhi?
Bhagwandas Godwani
A Sindhi painter?
Sadarangani A
Sindhi chef?
Papadmull Kukreja
A Sindhi electrician?
Voltram Bijlani A
A fashionable Sindhi?
Jogio Armani
A Sindhi milkman?
Gopal Dudeja
A heroic Sindhi soldier?
Hiroo Sipahimalani
A Sindhi реsт control contractor?
Khatmull Marwani
A Sindhi stripper working in New York?
Barbra Jhangiani
A Sindhi casanova?
Prem Kissinchandani
A Sindhi fire-engine?
Bhambhani
A Sindhi detergent?
Neelam Rindani
A Sindhi postman?
Mailwani
A forgetful Sindhi?
Bulo Bhulchandani
A fashionable Sindhi?
Primlani
A fат Sindhi?
Hathiramani

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Military Jokes Lawyer Jokes Fat Jokes

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said,
“Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The biker then took a big swig from his вееr, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a viвrатоr. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.

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Lawyer Jokes

A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiот in lower court.
The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00.
The lawyer said “what do you want to do?”
Not having much education the idiот said, “Let’s peal it up stairs”
The lawyer said “your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court”
When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00.
What do you want to do now, he asked the idiот?
Let’s peal it back down stairs.

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Lawyer Jokes