Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

If you want to drive your wife crazy don’t talk in your sleep, just smile.

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A husband asks his very ill wife at the hospital:
Tell me what is your last wish?
Nothing more, I just want to check my status on Facebook.

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A Saudi prince recently requested that nакеd statues be covered up while visiting Rome.
Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.

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A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor.
Doctor:
"What happened?"
Woman:
"Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunк, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor:
"I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:
"Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunк, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor:
"You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

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Dear Husband,
I have been feeling really dirтy lately. Please do me.
Love, Dishes

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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Wedding jokes

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

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Q: Why is marriage not a word?
A: It's a lifelong incarceration!

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Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

A Black man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical black baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar.
The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing black baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled.
"Why?
What happened?
He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

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A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried.
When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes

A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sеx with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sеx with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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Two men are chatting;
"My son asked me:
'Daddy, where do children come from?'"
"It's not a big deal... Today kids are interested in that matter on the early years."
"Yeah men, but the real issue here is that my son is... married... for five years!"

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A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says:
"An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you," replies the wife.
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"I asked for, the English girl?"
"Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!"

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Doctor to woman:
"What is the matter about your husband?"
Woman:
"He is worrying about MONEY."
Doctor:
"I think I can relieve him of that."

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A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed.
She could see the light was on from the bedroom window.
As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said:
"I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.
I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."
"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

In my village, it is not usual, ordinary, even normal that somebody would go to work.
Even though there is one person in our village who goes to work on a regular basis.
In the morning when he goes to work the whole village accompanies him, men, women, children, grannies and grandpas and in the evening when he goes back from work the whole village welcomes him back.
We all are smiling at him and we are waving at him with the bunches of purple lilac flowers for example during this period of time, April, May.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

"Johny, please, tell us, what do you do the whole day, so?"
"So, in the morning I cut the wood, sometimes with both hands, 5 minutes a day I play the guitar, to tell the truth. And in the afternoon I go to my garden to water the flowers. The lilies of the valleys and may-flowers I water most likely. Yes, they are really cute. Then I tear the leaflets to find out if the neighbor (her husband is not at home) loves me or not. The last time it came out that she loves me, fuск."

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