Men jokes - Page 141

A man who is just married is flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride is to accompany him the next day. When he gets there, he e-mails his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sends the e-mail, he mistypes the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18 year old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that reads, "Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P. S. Sure is hot down here."

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A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn. The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how hоrny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can sсrеw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole. Got it?" The salesman thanked him and bedded down on a pile of hay. About midnight he got real hоrny and decided to take a poke at the first hole. It was good but not really satisfying so he took a poke at the second hole. It was even better but he still wasn't satisfied so he thought about the third hole and reasoned to himself, "If that first hole was pretty good and the second hole was even better, I'll bet that third hole will really do the trick!" The next morning the farmer noticed the salesman was still sleeping so he went about his chores and late in the afternoon he finally saw the salesman wake up. "Dамn, son! You been sleeping a long time! What happened?"
"Well," the salesman replied. "I should have listened to you. I got hоrny last night and tried that first hole and it was pretty fair but not really satisfying so I tried the second hole. It was good but didn't do the job so I took on that third hole. Say, what's behind them holes anyway?"
"Son, that first hole is my sheep, Dolly. The second hole is my mare, Sally, and that third hole is my milking machine and that thing don't quit till it gets a quart!"

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A hippie backpacker from the Swiss Alps was tramping across a farmers field when it got dark. He asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer agreed but said he would have to sleep in bed with his 18 year old daughter. The farmer told him, "If I catch you molesting my daughter I'll shoot you!" That night the hippie and the farmers daughter got it on and had a great time. The farmer could hear the goings on from the next room. In the morning he opened the door and asked the hippie, "Did you have sеx with my daughter?" The hippie was a Jesus freak so he decided to be honest:
"Yes, I did. Please forgive me." The farmer took the hippie out back of the house and pointed a shotgun at him. "Ya got any last words, bub?" he asked. The Swiss hippie said,
"Yodelayheehoo!" Then the farmer shot him. When the Sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he shot the man just for having sеx with his daughter. The farmer replied, "Well, I didn't really have a problem with him sсrеwing Bonnie. I was just gonna scare him a little, but when he said, 'Yer 'ol lady too!' that's when I blew his head off."

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One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese соw. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. She swims up to him and says,
"Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, I will кill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him. Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive." He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the соw."

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A man comes home early from work and shouts, "Honey, I'm home!" No reply. So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, "Honey, I am home," but still no reply. Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark nакеd. "Oh Norman, I didn't expect you this early," she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily. He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance. He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket. "Dad," she says. "Dad," she says again. "What is it? I'm busy," he says. "Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on," she tells him. He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. "You ваsтаrd, you f**king ваsтаrd," he shouts angrily at Norman. "You ваsтаrd! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around scaring the kids!"

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Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea:
"We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suск on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we wont have to pay. It's brilliant!" The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says,
"This is great, getting all these free drinks!" The other man replies,
"Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar."

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A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said,
"I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

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What do you call a man attacked by a cat?
Claude.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies,
"Just looking around."

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A man walk into a bar and says,
"Give me something to drink just no vоdка." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies,
"Because last night I got drunк and blew Chunks." The bartender says,
"Well, it's normal to вlоw chunks if you drink too much. The man says,
"No, Chunks is my dog."

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A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said,
"Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"

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A man's big rottweiler has been losing its vision, so the owner brings the dog to the vet. The veterinarian picks the dog up and says,
"I will have to put him down." The owner asks, "Why? Because he's blind?" The vet replies,
"No, he's heavy. I need to put him down."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?"
"Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

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A man comes home early from work and tells his wife he just got fired. He tells her, "I got caught with my реnis in the pickle slicer." His wife asks him if his реnis is okay and he assures her it is fine. "Well," she asks, "What happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Oh," he says,
"She got fired too."

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A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to маsтurвате. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the hеll is wrong with you!? Are you sтuрid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says,
"I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."

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*pregnant girl gets on bus*
Bus driver: Excuse me sir could you give your seat up?
Man: Nooooo, she shoulda fuскеd someone with a car.

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Men are like babies... when they get cranky, just shove a niррlе in their mouth!

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Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

A blonde walks into an electronics store to buy a television. She finds a salesman and tells him, “I want to buy this television," as she points. The man tells her, “Sorry Miss, we don’t sell televisions to blondes." The girl walks out and walks back inside five minutes later with a brunette wig. She finds another salesman and tells him, “Sir, I want to buy this television,” as she points. The man tells her, “Sorry Miss, but we don’t sell televisions to blondes." She leaves and comes back once again, but this time with a red wig on. She finds yet another salesman and tells him, “Sir, I would like to buy this television,” as she points. The man also tells her, “Sorry Miss, we don’t sell televisions to blondes." Now, the girl is really mad and asks the man, “How the hеll do you know that I’m a blonde?!” The man points and replies, “Miss, this is not a television, it’s a microwave."

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes

A man is sitting in a cafe. A blonde waitress approaches and asks for his order. “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream," he says. The blonde waitress replies, “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

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A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It's their first honeymoon night and the man doesn't quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says,
"Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom." The newlywed thanks his father, hangs up the phone, and places his bowling ball in the toilet.

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