Men jokes - Page 67

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The man replied, "You cannot do this - I'm a United States congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

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What do LifeSavers do that men can't?
Come in 5 flavors!

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Men vs Women Jokes Gross Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes Sexist Jokes Cyclist Humor

This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink."
There's an old drunк sitting next to her.
Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants."
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunк and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Old People Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A white man walks into a bar and says to a bartender "Hey niggеr. Gimme a вееr".
The bartender says "Don't say that to me. What happened if I said something like that to you?".
"The white man says "I don't know lets find out".
They switch places.
The black comes in and said "Hey hоnкеy, gimme a f*ckin' вееr".
The white man says "Sorry. We don't serve niggеrs"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes White people jokes Beer Jokes

Kind of surprised hipsters haven't started tying their beard's in man buns yet.

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Men jokes Hipster Jokes

Two gаy men are walking down the street trying to вuм a ride.
A truck driver picks them up.
After a while the first gаy man asked in a very gаy voice, "Please sir can I fаrт?"
The truck driver then says, "Yeah sure who cares."
So the gаy guy goes "РООF".
Then the second gаy man asks if he can fаrт. The truck driver says he doesn't care and the second gаy man went ''рооf''.
Then the big truck driver goes to the gаy men and says, "Ok gentlemen can I fаrт?"
The gаy men say right on and the truckdriver lets it вlоw.
The fаrт was huge and smelly and loud.
The gаy men then say, "He is obviously a virgin."

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Men jokes Gross Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Fart Jokes

Why did the bald man take up running?
To get some fresh 'air.

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Men jokes Sports Jokes

A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, that medicine you gave me isn't working. Is there anything else I could try?".
"Fill out this tax form," suggests the doctor.
"How's that going to help me?", asks the man.
"I'm not sure," replies the doctor, "but some of my patients say it gives them relief."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Tax jokes

There are three men on a desert island: Genius, Smart, and Idiот.
Genius has concluded that at least one man must swim to shore and get help.
Genius volunteered himself, as he is the most likely to get remember to get help.
Genius, not being very athletic, swam halfway to safety and then drowned.
Days later, Smart finally realized Genius drowned.
Smart then decided it was his turn to swim and get help.
Idiot agreed because he didn't know what was happening.
Smart, not being very athletic, swam three quarte rs of the way to safety and drowned.
Days later, Idiот decided it must his turn to swim.
He also did not know what his goal was.
Idiot, not having very much intelligence, swam halfway to safety, felt tired, so he swam back to the island he was stranded on.

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Men jokes Sports Jokes Stupid Jokes

A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been sсrеwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

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Relationship Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand. “It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.” “Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbor had more snow than me.” “How’s that?” asked the government man.
“More land,” replied the farmer.

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Farmer Jokes Men jokes

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.”
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

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Friendship Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

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Old People Jokes Sports Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Chinese and American are in a plane.
Suddenly, Chinese puts his shoes off and American is angry.
After some time, he goes to buy a coke, but Chinese says that he'll do it.
While he's gone, American spits into his shoes.
Chinese gets back and American drinks his coke.
That repeats a couple of times,and after the flight American admits, "I spitted in your shoes, sorry."
Chinese answers, "That's how we do it. We spit in each others shoes, we рiss into each others cokes..."

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes American Jokes

A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Genie jokes

Jennifer, wanna go to my place?
I am not Jennifer
But I didn't ask about that...

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes