Men jokes - Page 98

While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises.
‘Tell me,’ says the doctor.
‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’

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A man bought a dachshund for his six children so they’d have a dog they could all pet at once.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

There was three Mexicans walking down the street when three old white guys approached them. The first white man said:
Whats up wet backs.
The first mexican said:
I am not wet, I am just greasy from stealing car parts.
The second old man said:
What the hells that smell, smells like beanery.
The second Mexican replies:
It don't smell like beanery, we just got back from taco веll.
The third mexican says:
YaYA, amigo, we just got back from Taco Веll.
The third white guys says:
I was talking to the bean, not the whole dамn burrito.

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Food Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what… She couldn’t do either.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

After an MCAT exam, a father asks his son, "How did it go son?"
Young man, looking rather reproachful, replied, "It went well dad. In fact, it went so well that I will retake it again next year."

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School Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes Dad Jokes

If the red man lives in the red house and
If the orange man lives in the orange house.
Who lives in the White House?
Obama
Kickass if you get it

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Insult Jokes Men jokes

A blonde is driving down the road and she sees a dead rabbit.
She stops the car and called out, "Does anybody got any hairspray!?"
A man pulls up and gives her a bottle of spray and she sprays it on the dead rabbit and the man stares and says "Why u doing that?"
The blonde says "Hairspray is for dead hairs"

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Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

After a long time two friends met, happy to see each other.
One of them, chewing on something big, asked his friend how was he and what was new in his life.
After the friend told his story, he asked the same question to the friend who was chewing something.
"So, what’s up man?"
"It’s a shiттy period, there is nothing that works in my life and I feel really bad."
"What is going on?!
"Last Saturday I went to Las Vegas. You know that from time, to time I’m going there to play at casino, three or four times a year. I took with me thousand dollars and I put the other hundred in my driving license that I left in the car. For the safety reasons, you know, if it goes really bad at casino, I must have the money to pay highway and go back home. And so I walked in casino, I bought the сhiрs and found an empty seat on a roulette table, next to a beautiful woman, about forty years old with a very provocative neckline. I made my first bet on 32, the number of my house, aiming 10 dollars."
"How did it go?"
The guy continues to tell his story, without stopping to chew something.
"Released! I felt all the winning streak and I bet again on 32 and it’s released again. I was winning almost 13 000 dollars and the adrenaline was at maximum. I felt like I was the God and around the table came so many people to congratulated me and I bet more than 10 thousand dollars on 23."
"And it went out again?"
"No! This time came out a вlооdy 13. Do you realize that I had the bad luck? I had in my hands a lot of money and if 32 came out I was settled for a life time. But the horrid number 13 ruined my evening and the hole week after."
"I understand you very well. It ‘s really to eat the ваlls."
The other friend, continuing to chew louder:
"What do you think I’m doing?"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Sports Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.
The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man.
"Is there a fат bird in my car?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Fat Jokes

Three holy men rode a plane home.
There was a terrorist on board who of the firm belief that the world should end.
Who should talk him out of it.
The pilot and his crew gave up and believed the holy men should live.
In the remains was a burnt soccer ball labeled flame retardant.
And a melted black box.
The holy men still live to tell the tale.
And so does the football.

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Religion jokes Men jokes Terrorist jokes Soccer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

How many men does it take to open a вееr?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Q: If a man crashes his car into a woman who's fault is it?
A: Well what was the man doing driving in the kitchen...

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

What’s the difference between a niggеr and a white man?
As much as you see with your eyes!

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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes White people jokes

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

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Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Life Jokes

(A) You are not Tom Cruise,
(B) The guns may stop working at the last moment,
(C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you,
(D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf
(E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"

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Office and Work Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.
One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will вlоw you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."
The other man says "fuск off, you're jokin aren't u?"
The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..
The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"
The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.
The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a сunт when you're drunк superman.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

My girlfriend used to fake foreplay.
A man falls asleep on a beach and gets severe sunburn.
He’s rushed to hospital by his wife

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Men jokes Sex Jokes