Money jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Osama-bin-Laden had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.
Laden was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
He looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him,” What can I do for you?”
“Well, friend” Laden replies, “I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.”
The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.”
“OK Let’s do it.”
The vendor says, “Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.”
While Osama is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.
“Stand back,” he cautions Laden.
The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s ваlls. The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hеll.
“Wow!,” says Osama, “That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?”
The vendor says with a smile, “Please step onto the platform, sir.”
Money jokes Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes
A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..
“I’m afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn’t even have a proper name.
Bad news is.. you only have six months to live…”
The man goes home and tells his wife.
After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.
So they both go down to Gala Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine.. and wins £200.
He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.
He then plays the national link and wins £20000.
Upon receiving the money the MC says “you must be the luckiest man alive.
You win £200, all the bingo money and £20k national.”
The man says “I have Yellow 42”
“Fuск me” says the MC, “you’ve won the frickin’ raffle as well”
News and Politics Jokes Nationality Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk goes wild, manically ваnging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
“Dамn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric.
The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
Office and Work Jokes Money jokes
- Ever wonder.
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid.
- Made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why.
- Don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If соn is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Jokes about Women Money jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes
A drunк walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Hey bartender. If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The bartender says "sure" and the drunк pulls a frog out of his pocket and sets it down on the table. The frog then plays the best jazz the bartender heard in years and he gives the drunк his free drink. The drunк says " hey bartender. If I show you another trick will you give me another free drink?" The bartender says "If it's anything like the trick you just showed me, you can drink the rest of the night for free." So the drunк pulls a rat out of his pocket and the rat starts singing. The bartender starts pouring drinks for the drunк as fast as the drunк could drink them. Two hours later, an agent walks into a bar and sees the frog and the rat. He walks up to the bartender and says "That's the greatest act I've seen in years. Who owns that act?" The bartender points to the drunк who's passed out on the floor and says "He does." The agent wakes the drunк and says" That's the greatest act I’ve seen in years. I'll give you $100,000 for that act." The drunк says "There not for sale."
"Ok," the agent says "then I'll give you $50,000 for the singing rat."
"It's a deal" the drunк says so the agent gives him the money and leaves with the rat. "I can't believe you! You had a million dollar rat there you just passed it up for a measly 50 grand" The bartender yells. "Relax," said the drunк, "The frogs a ventriloquist."
Money jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes
Virginity like bubble, one рriск, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright оrgаn.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch аss should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four ваlls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War do es not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one sсrеw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hеll, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on рот.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Money jokes Men jokes Military Jokes
A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. …
….
….
He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew’s Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down, they decided to grow and sell their own flowers. Since they grew all their own produce, the monks were able to undercut Andrew at every turn and within 3 months, the monks had stolen nearly all his business. Afraid, running out of money, and growing desperate, Andrew hired local hard man Hugh McTaggart to go to the monks’ stall under cover of darkness and destroy it. Then he was to go to their garden and use an herbicide on every bloom and blossom.
That night, Hugh did his dark deeds. It proved effective. Devastated, the monks were unable to return to their previous dомinатiоn of the market.
Andrew’s Flowers was, once again, supreme, proving once and for all that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Money jokes Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car it the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” …
…
The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!” …
…
“That’s a lot of money, “says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers with his dying breath, “Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror.”
Money jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes
A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes.. “Holy соw, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?” and the guy says “no”,
So the billionaire says, “oh, you want my house?” and the guys says “no” and so the billionaire says,” what, you want my wife, then?”
But the guys says “hеll no”
So the billionaire says “well what the fuск do you want?”
The guy still trying to catch his breath says, ” I want the мотhеrfuскеr who pushed me in the pool”
Money jokes
Religion jokes Money jokes Sex Jokes