Old People Jokes

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hеll as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".
St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".
The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".
St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.
It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.
So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.
The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”
She thought this was a great idea.
When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
There was no response.
She moved 10 feet closer.
Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
No response.
She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.
She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”
Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

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Old People Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down!
She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, about 75, and carrying a large handgun.

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Military Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes

Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army.
They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together.
After retirement, they went to different states and settled.
However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails.
To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with ruм and water and sipped from each alternately!
When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: "This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself."
Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table.
He was asked what had happened.
He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."

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Friendship Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Military Jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes

How do you get an old lady to swear?
Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!

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Old People Jokes

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.
The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.
She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.”
and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.
The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.
Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.
The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this sтuрid bus."

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Vulgar jokes Little Johnny Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

Teacher: How old is your father?
Johnny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Little Johnny: He became father only after I was born.

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes Old People Jokes

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his.
They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.
After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck."
"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."
His friend agreed that was bad luck.
The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?"
"No, that was the first day I had my hook."

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Aviation Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Sailor Jokes

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

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Money jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

Q: What do you call a 80 year old black guy?
A: Antique farm equipment.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Old People Jokes Black People Jokes

An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?"
His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive."
The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal.
"Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot.
The couple climbs in the helicopter.
The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter.
The couple never made a sound.
The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides."
The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Money jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Couple jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
“Bad knees.”

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Dirty jokes Old People Jokes Chocolate Jokes

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sеx appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

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Office and Work Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Funny Poems Single People Jokes Beauty Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

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Old People Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
"Cool,- says the second kid.
"What are you in here for?"
"A circumcision."
"Whoa! - exclaims the second kid. "Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."

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Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

- So, Mr. Brandberg, are you happy with your new hearing aid?
– Very much, doctor. I already changed my last will twice!

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Old People Jokes

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the вiтсhеs."

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Religion jokes Old People Jokes Church jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9) You can live without sеx but not without your glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20) You can't remember the Web site where you saw this list.

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Old People Jokes Nationality Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Insurance Comedy