Car and driving jokes

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A man walked out to the street and caught a black taxi just going by:
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said. "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time!"
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody!"
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right!"
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan!"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fuскing widow!"......
Един върви по улицата и спира минаващо такси. Качва се...
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
докарват една мутра, която е претърпяла катастрофа в пирогов. Некој богат човек си се возел во новото Ферари и направил сообраќајка… A successful London banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 999. The police were... A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious... One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the... Un abogado se compra un BMW nuevito y sale a mostrárselo a los otros abogados en el tribunal. Llega y estaciona sobre la derecha, abre la puerta para salir y en ese momento pasa un camión y le... En advokat körde på landsvägen med sin nya BMW och sjöng för sig själv: - Jag älskar min BMW, jag älskar min BMW... Eftersom han fokuserade mer på sin bil än på vägen så slutade bilresan med att... Um advogado estacionou seu BMW novo em folha na frente de seu escritório, pronto para mostrá-lo aos seus colegas. Logo que ele abriu a porta para sair, um caminhão passou raspando e arrancou... Ein Porschefahrer überschlägt sich mit seinem Wagen auf der Autobahn. Als die Sanitäter ihn aus dem Wagen bergen jammert dieser: "Mein Porsche, mein schönes Auto!" Sanitäter: "Der Wagen ist doch... Een advocaat opende de deur van zijn BMW toen er plotseling een auto langs kwam rijden die de deur raakte en hem er finaal afreed. Toen de politie op de plaats van het ongeval arriveerde, klaagde... Jedzie Szkot autem, zatrzymał się otwiera drzwi i bach... jakiś samochód uderza mu drzwi i je wyrywa. Przyjeżdża policja i karetka, wysiada doktor a Szkot: - O mój Boże! Mój samochód! Doktor na... Clodomiro era un abogado muy avaro, un día se compró un Rolex y un Mercedes-Benz. Al día siguiente fue a la corte a resolver un caso de un ladrón que mató a alguien. Cuando llegó, al abrir la... Een advocaat loopt naar zijn auto en doet de deur open. Er komt ineens een auto heel hard aanrijden. Hij raakt de deur van de auto van de advocaat. De deur vliegt er vanaf. De advocaat belt de... A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A... One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported... A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. ‘Officer, look what they’ve done... Um judeu estava viajando com sua BMW, quando de repente bateu em um poste. Ele sai desesperado do carro todo amassado dizendo: — Ai, meu Deus, meu carra! Pouco depois, os bombeiros chegam. Um deles... Een rijke patser krijgt met zijn Ferrari een geweldig auto ongeluk. Hij moet uit het wrak gezaagd worden en de zwaar gewonde man jammert terwijl de brandweer bezig is. "Oh mijn ferrari... Mijn... Ένας δικηγόρος πάει να κατεβεί από το αυτοκίνητο του, όταν ένα άλλο περνάει Και του διαλύει την πόρτα τελείως. Έρχεται η αστυνομία και ο δικηγόρος Διαμαρτύρεται εντόνως για την καταστροφή της... Atrasado para a audiência, o advogado abre rapidamente a porta do seu carro, porém, infelizmente, outro carro bate nele, levando a porta pelos ares. Desconsolado, o advogado reclama para o policial...
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A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.''
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?''
They say, ''Huh?''
She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?''
''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.''
''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed.
''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.''
''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''
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Scheibenwischer für den Dacia Мъж в магазин за авточасти: Ein Trabbi-Besitzer an der Tankstelle zum Tankwart: "Für meinen Trabbi hätte ich gerne zwei Scheibenwischer." Darauf der Tankwart: "Das ist okay, das finde ich einen fairen Tausch!" An der Tankstelle: "Ich hätte gern zwei Scheibenwischer für meinen Trabant." Antwort: "Guter Tausch!" Dans une station-service, un mec demande à la caisse : - Pourrais-je avoir un jerricane d'essence pour ma Renault ? - Oui... Cela me parait être un bon troc. Kommt ein Trabibesitzer in eine Autowerkstatt. „Ich hätte gern 2 Scheibenwischer für meinen Trabi“. Meint der Werkstattbesitzer: „Ein fairer Tausch“. Lada-rijder bij de garage: "Een achteruitkijkspiegeltje voor mijn Lada, a. U. B! " Verkoper: "Oke, dat is een eerlijke ruil!" Komt een man bij de garage met z'n Lada. Man: Ik wil graag twee nieuwe ruitenwissers voor m'n Lada. Garage monteur: Ja, da's een goede ruil, ok.
Car and driving jokes
One day a Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95.
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunк got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunк what he thought he was doing.
The drunк replied, "Just go on and take me to jail..... there's no way in the world that I can pass that test.
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