Jokes about Women

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T he Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen’s Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. “Give us the money”, they shout at the Queen.
“But I’m the Queen of England, I have no need for money.”
“Oh, sh1t”, says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di. “Give us yer jewels.”
“But I don’t wear my jewels all the time, only on state ocassions.”
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. “Quick, out of the car. We’ll have the Range Rover at least,” and with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen. “What did you do to all the cash you had? You’re always loaded.”
“Ah,” says the Queen, “I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have.” Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. “And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear.” The Queen says to Di.
“Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have.” Reaching down she plucks out her jewelry.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di… “You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover.”
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sеx in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sеx therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sеx therapist, so she did.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.”
The woman did as she was told.
Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.”
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.”
So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not
Haf sеx or dates.” Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what
Is Ed Zachary disease?”
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, “Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your аss.”
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“Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm. I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer. “Every time I get an еrестiоn, I also get a headache.
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Definitions...
Marriage:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Lecture:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!
Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic:
A book which people praise, but never read.
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom bomb:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions.
Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hеll in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he/she can die rich.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught.
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and then shakes your confidence later.
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you by his bills.
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