Jokes about Women

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1. In the company of females, inтеrсоursе should be referred to as:
A. Lоvемакing.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sеxuаl relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You always time your оrgаsм so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both сliмаx simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sеx on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sеx with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A моrоn.
8. Foreplay is to sеx as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you маsтurвате:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You’re a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!!!
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Finally, after years of research, perusal of the ancient texts, consultation with etymologists and psychiatrists, we can present a reasonably good translation of women’s English into understandable English: ……
…..
Women’s English:
Yes = No …..
No = Yes …..
Maybe = No …..
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry …..
We need = I want …..
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you моrоn!
You’re so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sеx all you think about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don’t want you to see my flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you aren’t going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T. V.
Is my вuтт fат? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
Nothing = Everything. (Especial caution to use of “nothing” when she is sulking!)
Everything = My РМS is acting up.
Nothing really = You’re such an аss.
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A man walks into a bar, late one night completely worn out and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies. … …
…
“What’s wrong with you?” The barman says. …
…
“In my car I’ve got a nymphomaniac - you couldn’t satisfy her if you were there ’til Christmas,” he replies. …
…
“We’ll see about that,” says the barman and goes out to the parking lot. …
…
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his flashlight in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman. “It’s all right officer, I’m just shаgging the wife,” he says.
“Oh, I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know it was your wife” replies the cop.
The barman replies -“Neither did I ’til you shone your flashlight!”
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A flying saucer descends upon earth and a number of friendly Martians disembark. …
…. ….
After the Martians are able to understand English, a number of couples gather at a party. …
…
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and talk about all sorts of things. …
…
Eventually, the subject of sеx comes up. …
…
“Just how do you guys do it?” asked one of the Earthlings. …
…
“Pretty much the way you do,” responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
“What can you do with THAT!?” exclaims the woman.
“Why?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replied, “it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!”
“No problem,” he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
“Well,” she said. “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”
“No problem,” he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” she said, “but it was really wonderful. How about you?”
“Well,” he said, “It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night.”
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