Blonde Jokes

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Three blondes were having a picnic in the park. One of the took out a can of "one-calorie" diet cola and poured it equally into three cups.
She drank hers and the second one did the same but the third blonde just stared at her cup suspiciously.
"I wonder who got the calorie?" she asked.

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Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends".
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink. The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again. Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means. The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

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Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," replied Buffie. Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the get away car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven minutes pass... and Judy was really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffie. She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiот!" snapped Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said, 'Tie up the GUARD and вlоw the SAFE!'"

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Real "Personal ads" that have appeared in the Dublin News: Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sеx addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancÃ©e, seeks decent, honest, eligible woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced вiтсhеs. Gingеr haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old ваsтаrd, living in a damp cottage in the аrsе end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

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A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make roomfor a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could notbe imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeletonin a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they shouldcall the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closetand showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. Theysaid, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more,they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "Weare the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to knowif it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind ofimportant."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

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A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day.
So she eases it onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and then opens the trunk.
Out jump two men in trench coats that turn to face oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, this causes the highway's worst pileup to date.
Shortly the police show up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs up to the blonde and yells, "What the hеll is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by your car?" asks the cop.
"I've always been told when you're on the side of the road to use your emergency flashers!," she replied.

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Q: What does a blonde consider safe sеx?

A: A padded head board.

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A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nudе bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hеll are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.

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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at theSuper Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolleddown the car windows to make sure myLabrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seatand I wanted to impress upon her that she mustremain there. I walked to the curb backward,pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"

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Why did the blonde have sеx with a Mexican?
Her teacher told her to do an essay.

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A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house.
She goes up to the house, rings the веll and the owner comes to the door.
He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do.
The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints?
The blonde says,
"Sure anything."
"Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies.
"I don't know, say $50 bucks."
"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.
The astonished wife says,
"$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"
10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says,
"All done."
With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

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A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked:
"For Men Only".
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK," says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."

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There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde all on death row. The day before their execution they are each delivered a message from the judge stating:
"Since you have been on good behavior I will allow you to choose how you will die -- lethal injection or electric chair."
The brunette went first. She chose the electric chair, and it malfunctioned so she was set free.
The red head saw this and picked the electric chair too. It malfunctioned again and she was let free.
Then it was the blonde's turn and when asked what she chose she said, "Lethal injection because the electric chair is broken!"

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Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

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Q: Why was the blonde girl's belly button bruised?
A: Because blonde men are dumb too.

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My blonde girlfriend went to the doctors this morning and was told she had two weeks to live.
She chose last week and this week.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. "Where have you been?" asked the man. "I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!"

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Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

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