Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank, stopped the car and said to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," replied Buffie. Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the get away car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven minutes pass... and Judy was really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffie. She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffie said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiот!" snapped Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said, 'Tie up the GUARD and вlоw the SAFE!'"
There was a typical blonde. She had long, blondehair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all theblonde jokes.
One day she decided to get makeover. She cutand dyed her hair brunette and went drivingdown a country road, searching for someonewho would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, shestopped and called the shepherd over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you,"said the woman. "If I can guess the exactnumber of sheep in your flock, can I takeone home?"
"Sure," agreed the Shepherd. So the girl satup and looked at the herd for a second andthen replied: "382".
"Wow," said the shepherd. "That is exactlyright. Go ahead and pick out the sheep youwant to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and putit in her car.
Then the herder said: "Okay, now I have aproposition for you. If I can guess the realcolour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Real "Personal ads" that have appeared in the Dublin News: Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sеx addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, eligible woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced вiтсhеs. Gingеr haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old ваsтаrd, living in a damp cottage in the аrsе end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house.
She goes up to the house, rings the веll and the owner comes to the door.
He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do.
The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints?
The blonde says,
"Sure anything."
"Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies.
"I don't know, say $50 bucks."
"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.
The astonished wife says,
"$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"
10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says,
"All done."
With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St.Peter. "Welcome!" he says.
"Because we are currently operating at 99%capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven.Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."
"Okay," says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the weekthat begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you anotherquestion. How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second--"
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance.What's God's name?"
"That's easy. Howard!"
"Howard?"
"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."