Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of sтuрid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You’d better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago.”
A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.
After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.”
“Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?”
“Yes.”
“Mister, I’ll give you a hundred camels for her.” The husband sat for a long, stunned silence before he replied, “She’s not for sale.”
After the salesman left, his indignant wife asked, “What took you so long to answer?”
He replied, “I was trying to figure out how I could get a hundred camels back to America!”
=
A guy goes to the first aid section of the hospital. He says: ‘I’ve got 3 ваlls, could you have a look?
A nurse takes him to the examination room, checks his ваlls, and says: ‘Nope, you’ve got 2 ваlls, just like any other man’
‘Impossible’, the guy says, ‘you should look better’
The nurse checks his ваlls again for a couple of minutes and says: ‘there’s really nothing wrong’
‘Get another nurse’, the guys demands.
Another nurse joins the club and starts checking his ваlls too and says: ‘Really, I only see 2 ваlls…
The guy says: ‘Okay, perhaps I’m mistaking…’, and he walks away.
Just outside he runs into his friend who says: ‘Hey, what are you doing here?
The guy: ‘Well… I was waiting for the bus and noticed that it could take at least 1 hour for the bus to arrive. So I thought, I’m gonna have some chicks rub and touch my sack for a while…
My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs. ” Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn’t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, вlоw-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. “How is everything? ” asked Chuck. “We’re moving ” replied the man. “This is a sick neighborhood. ”
“Why? What happened? ” replied Chuck. The neighbor replied:
“Some sick ваsтаrd dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage. “