A woman has a close male friend.
This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend.
This always starts out with, “you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way”.
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, “You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”
A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms from a new box of twelve.
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
“What happened to the other four condoms?” she asked.
His nervous reply was, “Errrr…, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a соndом before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
If Operating Systems were вееr..
DOS Вееr:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Вееr:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" вееr. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 95 Вееr:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Вееr's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Вееr. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of вееr in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Вееr until their friends try Windows 95 Вееr and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS вееr, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.