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Friendship Jokes

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My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments. ….
…
Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
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I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today! …
He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.
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Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time.
Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.
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How did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.
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A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.
He hasn’t come out with any poems yet, but he’s made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.
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Dan had a brown filly and a white filly and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor’s Stallion and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son, Johnny, to watch and come in and tell him when the stallion was finished.
“Yeah daddy, yeah daddy,” said Johnny.
After a while Johnny came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends.
“Daddy,” said Johnny.
“Yes,” replied Dan.
“The stallion just fcuked the white filly.”
There was a sudden lull in the conversation.
Dan said, “Excuse me” and took his son outside. “Johnny, you mustn’t use language like that in front of my friends. You should say ‘The stallion surprised the white filly’. Now go and watch and tell me when the stallion surprises the brown filly.”
Dan went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, “Hey, Daddy.”
“Yes, son. Did the stallion surprise the brown filly?”
“He sure did, Pop! He fcuked the white filly again!”
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Anant to his redneck friend, "Take care bro. Keep your curtains close while fuскing your wife. Yesterday afternoon, all street people enjoyed watching while you were sсrеwing!"
Redneck to Anant, "Shut up. Yesterday, I was out of town."
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I bet nerdy kids in math call their friends Algebros.
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Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy.
Roger said, “Troy, I’ll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they’re like.”
“Okay,” said his buddy.
“Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She’s short on looks, but she gives an incredible ‘you know what’. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels.”
“Say no more,” interrupted Troy. “I’ll go for head over heels anytime.”
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DER ULTIMATIVE LIEBES-TEST Наистина най-добрият приятел на човека е кучето. Действительно лучший друг человека - собака. Не верите? Попробуйте такой эксперимент:Закройте в багажнике машины вместе собаку и свою жену. ЗА ДА СЕ УВЕРИШ КОЙ ТЕ ОБИЧА НАИСТИНА - Kto jest najlepszym przyjacielem mężczyzny - żona czy pies? - Zamknij oboje w bagażniku Si quieres conocer el amor verdadero Test de fidelitate: 1. Ia cainele si nevasta si baga-i in portbagaj. 2. Lasa-i acolo 2 ore. 3. Vezi cine se bucura ca te vede! Att hunden e mannens bästa vän A kutya tényleg az ember legjobb barátja. Ha nem hiszed el Дійсно найкращий друг людини - собака. Не вірите? Спробуйте здійснити такий експеримент: Закрийте в багажнику машини разом собаку і свою дружину. Через годину-другу відкрийте. Хто
If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
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On social media I posted, “If anyone mentions Christmas before Thanksgiving, I'm going to delete them!”
The next day, I didn’t have any friends.
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Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
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Redneck asked his friend Anant " I want to divorce my wife and marry her sister. She must be hot in bed. What do you think ?
Anant - Don't make mistake. Both are same while fuuking. There is no difference"
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The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing this see-through blouse and no вrа. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. …
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes. …
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
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A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.
"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies,
"To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
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If you love something let it go but make sure one of your close friends is still friends with it on Facebook so you can stalk it.
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A woman has a close male friend.
This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend.
This always starts out with, “you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way”.
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, “You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”
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While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive, single man. It was a relief since my mother and I always laughed at the fact that the men I was drawn to were inevitably married.
So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living.
He replied, “I’m a priest.”
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