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Friendship Jokes

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Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his.
But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sеxy she is.
Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”
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Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.
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. See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute.
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This undergraduate was very attracted to a charming and delightful woman in one of his classes. She was bright, witty, good looking, and very friendly. She also was in a wheelchair because she’d lost both legs in an accident.
This proved to be no real barrier, however; this was one formidable woman whether she had legs or not. The young man asked her out on a date and she accepted.
They had a wonderful evening together, and they were most attracted to one another. When he brought her home, one thing led to another in the seat of the car, but she stopped him just at a crucial moment and said, “Wait, I’ve got an idea that will make it better for both of us. See that elm tree over there? Let me hang from that lower branch while we do it.”
He was amazed not only at her upper body strength, but also at how good the sеx was.
“What an incredible fсuк”, he thought. Afterward, he brought her wheelchair over and gently took her down and wheeled her up to the house. As he was preparing to go, however, he saw her father standing on the porch.
“Young man, I want you to know that I saw everything you did with my daughter.”
“You did?”
“Yes. And, I want to thank you.”
“You do?”
“Yes. Every other guy she’s brought home has left her hanging in the dамn tree!”
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My friend is in a wheelchair, so I gave him a chainsaw, wrapped him in tinfoil and sent him on Robot Wars. But seriously - he’s dead now.
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Me-you know how I know your gаy?
Friend-how
Me-because you just asked how I knew you were gаy.
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Friends are like snowflakes. Рее on them and they go away.
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Me - I'm gonna кill all the jews and one clown.
Friend - Why one clown??
Me - See! No one cares about the jews!
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Me: I know a gаy guy that sounds like an owl.
Friend: Who?
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I had this one friend named philip. He got his lips removed so then we called him phil.
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Me: What did 0 say to 8?
Friend: *sigh* what.
Me: NICE BELT!
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Me: Hey, if you were on a bus full of gаy guys, would you get off ?
Friend: НЕLL YEAHH !!
Me: Haha... I knew you were gаy .
Friend:
- _-
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Friend: You get those CD's?
Me: What CD's?
Friend: CD's NUTS ВIТСН!
Me: Oh good one did Wilma tell you that one?
Friend: Who the fuск is Wilma?
Me: Wilma my diск fit in your mouth!?
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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
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Friend:
"She's hot."
Me:
"Yeah, I'd respect the shiт out if her. Then introduce her to my family so hard."
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You're a воов. just tittin. you're my вrеаsт friend.
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Teacher: If your friend needs $5 and you give them $10, how much will you get back?
Me: Nothing
Teacher: You sir don't know math
Me: You madam don't know my friends.
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One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
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