Friendship Jokes

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You know you're getting fат when you say you're fат in front of your friends and nobody corrects you.

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I feel like Taylor Swift is that friend who invites her self to places.

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While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”

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Me: what do you use to catch fish?
Friend: worms?
Me: no fish bate, what do you use to catch squids?
Friend: squid bate
Me: what do you use to catch lions?
Friend: lion bate
Me: what do you use to catch I master?
Friend: I master bate, wait! Dаммiт...

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Charlie was invited to his friend and wife's house. They were eating dinner when Charlie dropped his napkin. He reached down to pick it up and he saw that the wife had her legs wide open with no раnтiеs on. Quite flustered Charlie excused himself from the table and went to the kitchen. To his utter surprise the wife came in and said "did you like what you saw?" Charlie smiled and said "yes" he looked towards where the husband was sat."well come tomorrow lunch and bring $500 and you can explore the rest" the wife said. Charlie knew that he couldn't afford to spend the night with her. "okay. but what about your husband?" the wife gave out a little sigh and said "oh don't worry about him. he'll be at work" the next day Charlie turned up to the wife's house with the money and banged her. Charlie left and the husband came back home. he asked "did Charlie come over today?" thinking she had been caught she said "yes" the husband carried on "did he give you the whole $500?" she replied "yes" the husband let out a huff. "phewww, he came by my work today and asked me for the money. he didn't tell me why but I gave it to him and he said he would drop it off with you around lunch"

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Friend 1: Dude why didn't you buy her the more expensive ring?
Friend 2: You don't throw a master ball at a metapod...
(Only Pokemon fans get this)

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Friends are like trampolines.
I've always wanted a trampoline.

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A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,
"Do you know what your аsshоlе is doing while you're having an оrgаsм?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

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A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours. Her mom said,
"Sure." However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sеx with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were. The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said,
"I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face."

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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, кinкy, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

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A blond asked his friend, "Why does my sister have two brothers and I only have one???"

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Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says,
"Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

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A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that вrа?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”

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Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government."
"Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

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A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked,
"Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!"

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You: do you like tapes and CD's?
Friend: ya why?
You: good because you're going to CD's nuts when I tape my diск to your face!

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Why do blondes leave empty вееr cans in their refrigerator?
For their friends that don't drink.

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My friend came up to me at work looking depressed. I asked him what was wrong. He said,
"I think I had sеx with my third cousin." I replied, "If you're that worried about it, quit counting them!"

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