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Friendship Jokes

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An Antartian woman was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She stood in front of a candy machine and put two coins in, turned the кnов and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the кnов, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the кnов producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her. He said,
"Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said,
"Duh! I'm winning here!"
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So, my friend sent me an invitation card to her wedding. I hate weddings, so I sent her a message saying, I am sorry I can't make it now, maybe next time.
She now hates me!
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A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited a church on Sunday morning. They like to sit close to the front so they entered a pew in the second row.
Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said,
"Excuse me, this pew is saved."
Without missing a beat, the husband replied, "So are we."
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I like people, I just don't like making friends. And here's why -- you ever made a friend, and after hanging out with them for a while, you start to realize that they're kind of sтuрid, and y'all don't have nothing in common? But by that time, it's too late, and you're already married?
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Yesterday my wife tripped over Buster, broke her neck and died!
I guess dogs really are a man’s best friend
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What do you call a girl on the beach with no arms and no legs?
Sandy
What was here friends name?
Shelly
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs on the porch?
Matt
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a girl with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen
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They want to get back on their kids for sсrеwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.'
'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'
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Me and my Asian friend were having a staring contest. He kept his eyes closed the whole time.
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Charlie borrowed his friends Volkswagen, while his car was in the garage.
When he got into it, he found out it would not start.
So he got out and raised the hood and looked down in amazement.
This other guy came by driving in his Volkswagen and saw that this guys was in trouble, so he stopped and went over. "What’s the trouble?" he asked. After taking a look, he said; "No wonder it won't start someone stole the engine."
"But don’t worry" he said, “I have an extra in my trunk you can borrow".
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Two friends are talking and one says to the other; “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.
His friend asks; “What do you mean?”
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Meet Shane, the Greatest Walmart Employee...
1. Shane, Quit offering extended Warranties on the fried chicken----Management
2. Shane, stop asking "Is that your final answer?" and offering to let them phone a friend after each order----Management
3. Shane, Quit putting price tags on the Deli equipment and trying to sell them to customers---Management
4. Shane, stop implying Walmart keeps the "Good Stuff" in the back----Management
5. Shane, I don't know what "Swinecraft" is but ham cannot be sold as a building material---Management
6. Shane, THE DELI IS NOT an appropriate setting to practice your ventriloquism, please stop making puppets out of the paper bags-----Management
7. Shane, STOP putting "Stoner Approved" seals on the fried chicken----Management
8. Shane, STOP putting out samples labeled as "Mystery Meats"----Management
9. Shane, STOP putting "Some assembly required" stickers on the 8-piece chickens----Management
10. Shane, any FREE samples you offer must come from the deli department, not from electronics------ Management
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My Polish friend really likes seafood.
This weekend he married a girl who has the сrавs.
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My friend asked me to come up with Eleven jokes about The Australian Open.
I think Tennis enough.
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Dad:
"Don't hang out with those friends, they'll look up inappropriate stuff on their phones."
Me:
"Uh Okay I guess I won't." *SILENTLY, TO MYSELF* "What do you think I do all day, dad?"
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Prison-8’x10’ Cell
Work-6’x8’ Cubicle
Prison-3 meals a day
Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one
Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you
Work-You have to do it yourself
Prison-Friends and Family can visit you
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns behind his ears...
I just think he's weird because he wears false teeth... With braces on them.
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What do you do if a woman doesn't make you a sandwich?
Her best friend.
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Just found out today that my best friend is Chinese. I always thought he was just tired.
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