Friendship Jokes

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I used to have a best friend that was a blonde. One day we were talking about a cute guy that was really annoying at times and really cute the other times. We pretended to date so that I would be able to avoid her. After the date I told her that he wasn't my boyfriend. She asks "So what is he?". I say "Let's just say he's the opposite of 'my boyfriend." Then she says "So he's your girlfriend?"

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
Don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it .
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

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An Antartian woman was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She stood in front of a candy machine and put two coins in, turned the кnов and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the кnов, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the кnов producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her. He said,
"Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said,
"Duh! I'm winning here!"

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A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited a church on Sunday morning. They like to sit close to the front so they entered a pew in the second row.
Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said,
"Excuse me, this pew is saved."
Without missing a beat, the husband replied, "So are we."

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I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.
At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."
As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "The man says it makes a funny noise."

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I like people, I just don't like making friends. And here's why -- you ever made a friend, and after hanging out with them for a while, you start to realize that they're kind of sтuрid, and y'all don't have nothing in common? But by that time, it's too late, and you're already married?

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Yesterday my wife tripped over Buster, broke her neck and died!
I guess dogs really are a man’s best friend

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What do you call a girl on the beach with no arms and no legs?
Sandy
What was here friends name?
Shelly
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs on the porch?
Matt
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a girl with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen

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They want to get back on their kids for sсrеwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.'
'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'

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Me and my Asian friend were having a staring contest. He kept his eyes closed the whole time.

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Charlie borrowed his friends Volkswagen, while his car was in the garage.
When he got into it, he found out it would not start.
So he got out and raised the hood and looked down in amazement.
This other guy came by driving in his Volkswagen and saw that this guys was in trouble, so he stopped and went over. "What’s the trouble?" he asked. After taking a look, he said; "No wonder it won't start someone stole the engine."
"But don’t worry" he said, “I have an extra in my trunk you can borrow".

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Two friends are talking and one says to the other; “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.
His friend asks; “What do you mean?”

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My Polish friend really likes seafood.
This weekend he married a girl who has the сrавs.

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Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate.
St. Peter says, ‘Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.’
So they all agree and are admitted in.
The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth.
Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is.
Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man.
The first two guys say in unison, ‘How did you end with that ваве when we get stuck with these nasty women?’
He nudges the ваве and says, ‘Tell them.’
She says to the first two guys, ‘I lied.’

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My friend asked me to come up with Eleven jokes about The Australian Open.
I think Tennis enough.

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Dad:
"Don't hang out with those friends, they'll look up inappropriate stuff on their phones."
Me:
"Uh Okay I guess I won't." *SILENTLY, TO MYSELF* "What do you think I do all day, dad?"

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Prison-8’x10’ Cell
Work-6’x8’ Cubicle
Prison-3 meals a day
Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one
Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you
Work-You have to do it yourself
Prison-Friends and Family can visit you

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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns behind his ears...
I just think he's weird because he wears false teeth... With braces on them.

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