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Friendship Jokes

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So, my friend sent me an invitation card to her wedding. I hate weddings, so I sent her a message saying, I am sorry I can't make it now, maybe next time.
She now hates me!
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A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited a church on Sunday morning. They like to sit close to the front so they entered a pew in the second row.
Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said,
"Excuse me, this pew is saved."
Without missing a beat, the husband replied, "So are we."
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I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.
At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."
As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "The man says it makes a funny noise."
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Yesterday my wife tripped over Buster, broke her neck and died!
I guess dogs really are a man’s best friend
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What do you call a girl on the beach with no arms and no legs?
Sandy
What was here friends name?
Shelly
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs on the porch?
Matt
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a girl with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen
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They want to get back on their kids for sсrеwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.'
'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'
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Me and my Asian friend were having a staring contest. He kept his eyes closed the whole time.
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Charlie borrowed his friends Volkswagen, while his car was in the garage.
When he got into it, he found out it would not start.
So he got out and raised the hood and looked down in amazement.
This other guy came by driving in his Volkswagen and saw that this guys was in trouble, so he stopped and went over. "What’s the trouble?" he asked. After taking a look, he said; "No wonder it won't start someone stole the engine."
"But don’t worry" he said, “I have an extra in my trunk you can borrow".
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Two friends are talking and one says to the other; “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.
His friend asks; “What do you mean?”
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Meet Shane, the Greatest Walmart Employee...
1. Shane, Quit offering extended Warranties on the fried chicken----Management
2. Shane, stop asking "Is that your final answer?" and offering to let them phone a friend after each order----Management
3. Shane, Quit putting price tags on the Deli equipment and trying to sell them to customers---Management
4. Shane, stop implying Walmart keeps the "Good Stuff" in the back----Management
5. Shane, I don't know what "Swinecraft" is but ham cannot be sold as a building material---Management
6. Shane, THE DELI IS NOT an appropriate setting to practice your ventriloquism, please stop making puppets out of the paper bags-----Management
7. Shane, STOP putting "Stoner Approved" seals on the fried chicken----Management
8. Shane, STOP putting out samples labeled as "Mystery Meats"----Management
9. Shane, STOP putting "Some assembly required" stickers on the 8-piece chickens----Management
10. Shane, any FREE samples you offer must come from the deli department, not from electronics------ Management
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My Polish friend really likes seafood.
This weekend he married a girl who has the сrавs.
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Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate.
St. Peter says, ‘Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.’
So they all agree and are admitted in.
The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth.
Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is.
Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man.
The first two guys say in unison, ‘How did you end with that ваве when we get stuck with these nasty women?’
He nudges the ваве and says, ‘Tell them.’
She says to the first two guys, ‘I lied.’
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Dad:
"Don't hang out with those friends, they'll look up inappropriate stuff on their phones."
Me:
"Uh Okay I guess I won't." *SILENTLY, TO MYSELF* "What do you think I do all day, dad?"
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Prison-8’x10’ Cell
Work-6’x8’ Cubicle
Prison-3 meals a day
Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one
Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you
Work-You have to do it yourself
Prison-Friends and Family can visit you
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns behind his ears...
I just think he's weird because he wears false teeth... With braces on them.
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What do you do if a woman doesn't make you a sandwich?
Her best friend.
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Just found out today that my best friend is Chinese. I always thought he was just tired.
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A pilot friend of mine loves quoting the old saying “A good landing is one you can walk away from”.
Presumably, then, an excellent landing is one after which you can re-use the aircraft?
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