Friendship Jokes

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“I’m fed up with this life,” said my friend, “I’m going to end it all and take an overdose tonight and just be done with it.”
“Now just you wait before you do that!” I said. “You’ve had a hugely successful life. You have a beautiful wife and daughter. You have a lovely house filled with anything money can buy, so just let me ask you one important question before you go and off yourself”
“Ok?”….
“Can I have your stereo?”

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You know what's pretty cool? When you put on a jacket that you haven't worn in a long time, and you find a $20 bill in the pocket that you didn't know was gonna be there; then, you buy yourself some wееd to celebrate. That happened to me tonight when I borrowed my friend's jacket.

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Friends are like воовs. Some big,some small. Some real, some fake.

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Every night I have a recurring dream that my best friend is suскing my diск.
Should I tell him that he’s gаy?

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My friend is a Genie in a bottle. One day he came home from work frustrated with his current master. I asked why.
He replied, "I don't know, he just rubs me the wrong way."

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Do you love 'Trading Spaces'? I do. I would never be on that show, though. You want to know why? 'Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. They do not have my best interests at heart. 'Cause it's always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer coming in, going, 'Oh my goodness, I love this place. This is what I'm thinking for your friend's house: circus tent. Big circus tent! Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?'
'Oh yeah, he'd love a circus tent. No, no no no, yeah. Why don't you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt, that way the ponies will feel at home.'
'Great. We're under budget.'

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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

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I’ve got an African friend called Steve and I popped round to see him today. When I got there I saw spray-painted right across the front of his house ‘NIGGЕRS OUT’ l thought that’s a bit extreme. He could have just left a note on the door saying he wasn’t in.

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When you're really in love, you feel like you're the only two people in the world. When you first start dating, and you're like, 'This person's incredible,' and you stop calling your friends -- that's the best feeling in the world. And I've been so lucky to feel like that for the past six weeks, but what's weird is that I'm not dating anyone.

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A 13 year old lad says to his 13 year old girl friend, “Toss me off”. The girl says “I don”t know how - what do i do?”The lad says “imagine your shaking up a bottle of coke like when you were younger”. The girl starts doing it and a couple of minutes in, her boyfriend has tears rolling down his cheeks. The girl says “What”s wrong?”The lad replies “Take your fuскing thumb off the end of it”

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I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out ‘with the girls’ a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them”. I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cheers

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Jim happened to bump into is friend Greg at the tennis club. “So, Jim said, “How’s it working out with that shrink I recommended.” “Great,” Greg said. “I mean, when I started, I was the most arrogant, self-impressed egomaniac on God’s green earth.” Now, he shrugged, “you couldn’t ask to meet a more terrific guy than me.”

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As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, “Fат fuскing cows.”
“What was that?” snapped my wife.
“You herd.”

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Two elderly women had been friends for over forty years. Each one was losing their hearing. Minnie asked,
"Are you going to be home today?"
"Yes, as far as I know," replied her friend, Adie.
"Good I have a gift for you."
"Esther Price?" Adie asked.
Knowing Minnie loved Esther Price candy, she assumed the gift was candy. As the day wore on, Minnie finally arrived with a book on Smoothies. Adie was confused. "I didn't know Esther Price sold books?"
"They don't."
"But this morning you said they did."
"Oh, I thought you said, 'That's nice.'"

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My Friend: Did you know a sсrеw and the wall can have sеx.
Me: No?
My friend: Yeah it can because my sсrеw went threw the wall and the wall was your mom!
Me: Tell that too you sister!
My friend: I Dont have a sister!?!
Me: You will in 3 mounths.
Classroom:OHHHH!
Teacher: Shut up every one! This is reading class no one should be talking
Me: Ok shut up!
Classroom:OHHHH!
Teacher: Principle now.
Me: Principle isnt in here dumbie.
Teacher: Ok smart guy whats 9+10?
Me: 3 babys and some сuм left over.
Teacher: Ok im calling your parents!
Me: You cant there making a dog.
Teacher: How the FUСК can they MAKE a dog.
Me: You just said it.
*Teacher storms out the room*
Bully: Man you got to have no ваlls to do that.
Me: I know you'll find the answer for that in a few days
*Bullys phone rings*
Bully: Hello. YOUR PREGNATE!
Me: Never mind you'll find out now.
Thx for reading this give me a kickass for how long this was!
By the way give me a kickass for a free asian chick!

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When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head.
"I haven't gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it's too late for me. I've probably already broken all seven commandments."

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Stand-Up Comedian:
"You should have seen my show last night. It was standing room only."
Stand-Up Comedian's Friend:
"Oh yeah? You were that good?"
Stand-Up Comedian:
"That, and the fact that some thieves stole all the chairs out of the club the night before."

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Thirty years ago I murdered both of my parents in a fit of rage.
I then slaughtered both of my sisters and my brother. Before I calmed down, I visited all my friends and killed each and every one of them.
It was a terrible episode in my life and I regret it now more than ever.
I get released tomorrow and there’s no one to pick me up.

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