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An old woman walks into a s*ex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she asks in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a рiss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight раnтiеs rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a сrар instead."

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Gross Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Couple jokes

Boy Monster:
Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's? Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you. Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

Q: How do you know you're in a vampire bar?
A: There's a string hanging out of your Вlооdy Mary.

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Gross Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Vampire jokes

There was a vampire who suскеd people's blood for many centuries. God was very angry at the vampire and said to him, "You're going to hеll!"
The vampire fell to his knees and said, "God, I beg of you, give me one more chance to be good."
God agreed.
Then the vampire said, ''I want to be light, fluffy, and white like a cloud.''
''That seems easy enough,'' replied God.
''I would also like to have wings like an angel.''
''OK,'' replied God.
Since God had said yes to all his requests, the vampire decided to ask for a very greedy request. ''God, if possible, could you let me suск a little blood?''
''Sure,'' replied God, ''but only once a month.'' And he turned the vampire into a маxi pad with wings.

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Gross Jokes God Jokes Vampire jokes

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: Two vampires fighting over a used тамроn.

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Gross Jokes Vampire jokes

"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire.
"Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."

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Gross Jokes Dating Jokes Vampire jokes

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid. He is so excited because he's just milked a соw. Then he takes a big drink from the glass. His father just stares at him.
"Son, we don't have a соw. We have a bull."

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes

Sonny, Got Any Viаgrа?
An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viаgrа pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half. The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?" The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sеx. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't рее on my shoes."

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Did you hear about the man who took Viаgrа and a laxative at the same time?
He didn't know if he was coming or going.

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Viagra jokes

Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today!
"Shut up and keep digging, boy."

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Gross Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vоdка on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."
The Russian man says, "I would like to рiss vоdка."
When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can рiss vоdка and demonstrates for her. It was the best vоdка they'd ever had.
The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass. She asks, "Why only one glass?"
"Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."

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Q: What do a rattlesnake and a soft реnis have in common?
A: You can't f**k with either one.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes

Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

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Gross Jokes

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously маsтurватing. She says, "What the hеll do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry." The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies:
The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Business jokes Masturbation jokes Restaurant Jokes

Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk.
"We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm."
"But, Jim, what about the smell?"
"Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes

A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

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A man and a woman were on a nudе beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vаginа. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my реnis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hеll is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans - I'm going to drown the ваsтаrd."

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Q: If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
A: K9P.

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Gross Jokes

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