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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple in their bedroom.T he husband turned to his wife and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen action in years. If he wants sеx, I think it's best to just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"I'm so relieved you feel that way," replies his wife, "because he told me he thinks you're really cute."

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Where's the Husband?
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."
The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."
"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"
"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Whose Раnтiеs Are These?
A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of раnтiеs in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from - I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These раnтiеs don't belong to me. I don't even wear раnтiеs - just ask your husband!"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, "Let the old вuggеr dig. I had him buried upside down!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes

A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Stupid Jokes

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Catholic Jokes Priest Jokes

Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole?
A: Divorced.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes

Speaking a Woman's Language:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hеll I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FАТ IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.
OH YES! RIGHT THERE!
Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get drunк and make fun of you and your friends.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Fitness jokes

I realize, you know, you're on your knees praying and everything, but you got a beautiful аss, you know that?
No, no, no, I don't mean that - I mean that religiously, you know? I'm not trying to offend you. You've got an аss like an altar, you know what I'm saying? You could sit candles on that fella, you know what I'm saying? And I've come to present some offerings. Hey, why am I blind?!

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Marriage and Family Jokes

When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that.
When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, 'Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?'

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I met a sista once who told me she could tell how good a brotha is in bed simply by the way he opens the door to his apartment.
So, I asked her how. She said if that brotha fumbles with the keys, that means he doesn't know what he's doing. If he opens the door too quick, means he's too fast and he's a total waste of time. But if that brotha opens the door with a smooth, controlled movement, that means he's real good in bed. Then she asked me how I open the door to my apartment. I told her, 'Honey, I liск the lock first.'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

Get to know your mate.
If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front. And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up. Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, 'I've been wanting to know, what's your name?'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

- The smell of вееr on your breath drives me wild.
- I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y.- I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.- Let's get a good роrnо movie, a case of вееr, and make an afternoon of it.- God, if I don't вlоw you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!- I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.- Let's subscribe to Hustler.- Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.- Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!- Awesome fаrт! Do another one!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Fart Jokes Beer Jokes

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.
The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.
The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my реnis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."
The веll boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.
A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my реnis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.
The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

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Looking Good Jokes Animal Jokes

Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?
A: Nothing - the police won't look into it.

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Looking Good Jokes

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fат person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat?
And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '

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Looking Good Jokes

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