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How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.
How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign :
'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.
Note: Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.
Lawyer Jokes
To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies: Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, a poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone. It seems one night after gettin' with his wife; she loped off his dоng with the swipe of a knife. Реnis that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts. Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsue by his side And Lorena is in the car taking willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, And she tossed him out the window as she went around a bend. Curve that is. Tossed the nub in the scrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack and they called out the hounds just to get his wееniе back. They sniffed and they barked And they pointed 'over there'. To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air. Found that is. By the fence. Evidence. So the diск doc said, `Hey, I can fix your dоng. A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need.' And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed. Whizzed that is. Even seam. Straight steam. Well he healed and he hardened and he took his diск to court. With a half-arsed lawyer, 'cause his assets came up short. They cleared her аssаulт and acquitted him of rаре And his рескеr was the only one they didn't show on tape. Video that is. Unexposed. Case closed. Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?!
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It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside вuтт nакеd NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, nакеd and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous еrестiоn. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
Яне Сандански избирал юнаци за четата си. Избирал, избирал, па ги строил в две редици. Отишъл отстрани, погледнал - на единак юнак носът му стърчи пред другите. Извадил сабята и го изравнил, а после попитал: - Боли ли те бе, юнако? - Ич ме не боли! - Оти те не боли? - Оти съм от четата на Яне!... Un colonel de l'armée examine ses hommes, il donne un coup dans le ventre d'un et dit : - Est-ce que tu as mal ? - Non, mon colonel ! - Pourquoi ?! - Parce que je suis un homme, colonel ! Il donne... Do jednostki komandosów przyjechał generał na inspekcję. Żołnierze stoją w dwuszeregu z fiutami na wierzchu, a generał przechodzi i każdego po kolei wali kijem po fiucie: - Boli Cię? - Nie, bo...
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A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"
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